Again

Why do I feel this way again? The imminent feeling of wanting to die or perhaps to put in a better way; sleep forever. I just feel so tired. But what's my excuse? Promos are over, and it's not like there's an extremely heavy workload or anything. I just don't feel like talking, smiling or interacting. I don't even feel like meeting my best friends. I... just want to listen to music and sleep and sleep and sleep. I feel kind of hopeless? I don't know. My mind is not exactly confused, maybe just blank. Numb, even. I don't know. Honestly, I really don't know. Being a Christian, I am an extremely bad one. I've sinned countless times and like I don't know what to do about it. God seems so distant right now. Or maybe it's just me running away. Isn't a Christian supposed to have faith in God's plan and live a proper life? I feel kind of lost in my life right now. What are my dreams? I don't even know. What are my interests and talents? I don't know either. My indecisiveness is getting real bad. Honestly, I feel horrible. Why have I grown to become such an overthinker. Why do I keep plunging into this state of insensitivity. Why do I get attached to people so easily. Why do I look this way. Why Why Why. Some things aren't even that important and I think about it so much; and vice versa. I've changed. I'm not that hardworking kid I was anymore. Why? Why must all my good traits be taken away and all I'm left with are my insecurities and failures. Honestly, I feel happy that my piano lessons have stopped, yet at the same time sad, because of the should haves and the could haves that I could have achieved. I like music. But I don't like exams. I don't like playing something when I don't have the time nor the heart to play that piece. Maybe, I'm really bad at it. I don't know. Tonight, I don't think I'll get any answers to all my Why-s here. I just hope that I'll wake up more as a more sensible, happy, optimistic and grounded 16 year old.

Thoughts

Give thanks in all circumstances. :-)
find joy in the things around you :-)
everything will work out just right,
even if it doesn't seem like now,
God has the perfect plan for me. :-)
Always keep the faith :-)
just do your best :-)
stop comparing :-)
you're good enough for God:-)
you don't have to be good enough for the world :-)
God loves me more than anyone else :-)
I will never be lonely :-)
thank you Lord :-)

L o s t

Here I am sitting in front of my laptop, sorting out my thoughts. It's a war inside my mind, I'm not joking. My mood has been fluctuating really bad this week, staying on the negative side most of the time. Worst of the worst, it not only affects me, but also people around me like P. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. Half of the time I'm awake I want to be alone. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm sorry, I don't mean it. :( I guess I'm back to this phase again. This time, last year, maybe I felt the same as now, maybe I felt worse. I remember those nights drowning in music, spamming P and cloud just for a companion, but inside I felt really really empty. It was like I was drowning, and I didn't know how to swim.

Right now, it's about a month to Promos. The big exam of J1. Am I prepared? No. I don't even have the mood to study. Seriously, it's been close to 7 months and yet everyday I contemplate whether JC has been the right choice for me. Would I be better off now if I went to poly? Would I regret anything? I don't know. The problem with me is that I don't know anything. Utterly clueless and hopeless. Drifting through life. I know this isn't what God made me to be, but I feel numb and lost at the very moment. I should be studying and yet here I am wasting time on my computer just like the big mistake I made when I was 15. Time can't be turned. If I had retained my top position, where would I be now? RJ, NJ? Dying? It's the same.

Wake up. Please wake up. I'm talking to myself again. It's nothing new anyway. Honestly, I feel like a sad emotional mess every time. I can't tell anyone this, because it happens so often. I'd just be this irritating sad fuck who keeps complaining about life. Also, they have more important things like new friends, chasing love and studies. This is life. I've got to have my own backbone. Independent. I can't always rely on my friends. Only God. Sigh. I've got to stop taking things into my own hands, because honestly, I feel like giving up. I have this strong inclination to retain or to even voluntary retain, because I don't feel like I'm ready, not ready to fight through J2. But yet again who wants to spend 3 years in that pressure cooker and moreover when I'm this socially awkward kid.

After writing all this, honestly I just want to say that secondary school days were one of the best moments of my life. I miss kpop alot. Not just because of the memories, but the experiences. I still remember singing Boys over Flowers sountracks with cabbage in sec1, with evan telling me stories during science lessons. Jacy writing fanfics and drawing manga for me. Fangirling in comics connections and wasting my money buying magazines just to collect posters. Downloading music every week, and just enjoying every moment even though I've never seen Jae in real life. Honestly, It's just all these feelings, emotional attachment. I mean I grew up with them, they'll always be a part of my life. They cry, I cry. It's hard to explain, but when you're in it, you'll feel it.

Maybe it's the delusional world we've all created for ourselves.

Anyway, now I've got no time to dwell upon celebrities. Wake up. Please E, wake up. Everyone's running. The race will end one day. Up and On. Even how much you don't want to.

I will soar on wings like eagles, I will walk and not be faint. I will run and not be weary. Thank you Lord. For everything.

Also, I'm sorry for everything.

Runs & Prata & Shopping

Started this "Exercise Regime" with Pang last week,  and so ahem we're actually supposed to run every  Saturday and Sunday.  But apparently this week, there was too much hw + too tired + too lazy + (insert more excuses), to go run and so we didn't. So much for being fit. Anyway we ran 2.4 km in the sweltering 1.p.m. heat and after that did some work/played music/occasional chatter/occasional insults etc. 

Initially we were supposed to meet Bunny and Cloud to get Alayne's present which is LONG OVERDUE. But anyway indecisiveness led to us not meeting. :/ Anyway, Pang and I went to Orchard to hunt for some knit/ jumper since its cold over in NZ(??) and we don't really know what else to buy. HAHA lucky us found this sexy back baring knit from Bershka which had this weird elastic band at the back but who cares. The colour is nice right. Ignore my ugly photo thanks. 

Thereafter to keep up with the healthiness we went to get BOOST! AWESOME!!!! <3<3<3 It's seriously damn nice! The berry one I got was ahhh okay I should stop I'm getting cravings which is bad. 

So.. our healthy living story ends here. Goodbye. 

We ate prata the next moment. Chocolate paper prata and Chicken Murtabak at Ion. How authentic. :-) HAHA but it was quite nice. Ok and unhealthy and like when were we ever healthy??? 

NO EATING NO SHOPPING EVERYDAY STUDYING

Life motto from now on. Hopefully. Haha. This sucks. I feel like sleeping right now.  

Wimbly Lu Chocolates

Headed (or should I say rushed) down to Wimbly Lu in between our break before CCA started. Oh what pigs we were haha. It's pretty near my school, and a short walk away from Serangoon MRT station. :) We brisked walked there in the sweltering heat and VampirePoopiePang kept complaining that she was melting. Ugh what a whiny friend. HAHAHA. The place is really small and cozy and pretty!!! Look at the cute clouds. Also, they have ultra-cute plates <3<3<3 Generally the place is great to chill out. It was not really packed when we went there perhaps because people were working/in school... Anyway we hardworking kids were practising our oral while we ate #lifeofjckids . Sorry to the couple next to us...  

Anyway we ordered the chocolate marshmallow pie and the waffle with salted caramel ice cream. It's quite affordable actually with the bill being around 15 bucks? The chocolate marshmallow pie was really good, just that the chocolate sauce around it hardened by the time we took photos and stuff. PLUS, the scoop of ice cream is TINY. I mean compare it to Creamier and you'll know what I mean. But on an overall the stuff there was goooooooood. 

D.O.C // Tiong Bahru ? // Itacho Sushi // Hoshino's Coffee

First up, Department of Caffeine!!! (please ignore my fat and short legs) Exams are finally over and tomorrow is Youth Day Holiday for us :) One of the few perks of being in a JC... Anyway we headed over the the Duxton area to "explore" but this time it was sort of a disappointment/failure as the stores were either closed or sold similar stuff.. Seriously, must all cafes have all day breakfast? It used to be unsual but now its just unsually common. 

Anyway we read great reviews on D.O.C and went to try it out! As usual it was packed and we had to wait for a short while. The place is kinda cramped, and the air-con was horrible, just plain horrible. And since only when we got there did we realise their churros was a mothers day special, so we ordered this apple and olive oil(???) cake ($5.50) and the honey and tea cake ($5) as shown above, plus a yoghurt+honey+vanilla bean smoothie WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE DISGUSTINGLY-SOUR-YOGHURTY-AND-PLAIN-HORRIBLE. And that was 6 bucks. eew. 

So overall, our experience at D.O.C was bad as Pang felt that the cakes were sour (i thought that it was alright) and the disgusting smoothie just killed everything. Plus the lack of churros that I was extremely excited for :'( 

We decided to head over to the tiong bahru area to continue our exploration since duxton was a disappointment. haha. Our standards are too high :P Anyway to name a few things we did on the way there... 1. Sneeze loudly and laughed like mental kids ignoring weird stares from people at the bus stop 2. Imagining we owned a loft at some fancy apartment and making fake accents 3. YOLO-crossing of main roads.. #badinconsideratekids

We walked aroung tiong bahru and walked more and walked even more. Passed by cafes like Drips bakery/Tiong Bahru Cafe/Orange Thimble/40 Hands/Open Door Policy etc. But we didnt enter any. Instead we bought this giant Big Gulp which we shared and gained back whatever calories lost from walking the distance. #cheapomoments hahaha. So we wanted to eat Big Mama but we totally forgot that reservations were needed and we felt like crying at their door cause our legs were breaking and none of the cafes seemed to whet our appetites. #atassnobbishmoments

Above is just a photo I took at Flock cafe... we didn't eat there though.

Tired of walking, we just took the MRT to Dhoby Gaut to eat Itacho Sushi which was OISHIIIIIIIIII!!!! We ordered cold soba (portion alittle small), cod liver sushi (superb lvl1), salmon sushi thing (superb lvl2), and octopus sushi (alright), and the bill was quite affordable ^_^ 26 bucks in total! P.S. there was also kpop booming (not really) in the background hehe.

Lastly we visited Hoshino's Coffee and Pang's pretty sis came and joined us (plus paid for the meal <3) This photo was taken in a hurry thus its ugliness. Anyway yes this souffle was really nice and fluffy. We tried the matcha version which was alright other than the sad fact that the 2 brown balls were chestnut instead of dango :(  $12 or $13.50 (i can't recall) for this dessert is alittle pricey but this portion is great for sharing :) 

Sorry yet again for the super long post! xx 

Creamier Ice Cream

Last week, I brought DodoSis to Creamier!!! (which was just a few blocks away from my house) Plus, it was a really spontaneous decision as I was going mental from the heap of last minute revision i had to do for CTs... Anyway we ordered our usual double scoop waffles. This time we tried some Horlicks chocolate flavour and the typical cookies and cream. Haha it was super crowded that day. Perhaps because it was a Sunday. And to my Dad's surprise, Creamier's location was his old kindergarten or sth haha NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD. Anyway the waffles were good :) and so was the ice cream! But this must be shared, because two waffles per person is just too much. $10 bucks for double scoop waffles seems rather reasonable to me :) 

Only bad thing = too little chocolate sauce hahahaha