you are not the reflection of those who don't love you

The possibility of your crush liking you back, is like 0.01% or less... I guess that's supposed to comfort me in some way i.e. that I'm not alone in this.  But the truth is, I'm having trouble coming to terms as to why - what does he not like about me? Is it my face? Is it my personality? 

But after reading this article (which isn't as trashy as I thought it'd be) https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/common-reasons-doesnt-like-back-handle , I think maybe - I kind of get it... 

Why should I change, just so some stranger can like me back? Why can't they like me for who I am? And in fact, there is a possibility that someone out there, could like me - for me... Well, I believe this is a good way to start, but a gentle reminder to myself to not put my lame, trashy self out there too quickly as well.

goals

Just off the top of my head: 

- Clear CFA 2 and 3 by June 2021

- Spend 2 years (tops) at Ntx; move to new/related area in 2021

- Get driving license in 2021

- Shortlist potential property

- Find a bf? 

I've always been a fan of bucket lists; checking things off a list gives me a sense of satisfaction. These days however feel like I've gotta strive extra hard to tick those items off my list - is this a sign of growing worldliness? 

Expectations from myself..., others. 

Just a reminder for myself that sometimes, the successes we see of others don't actually come that easy. Everyone always will have a period of struggle, a period of overcoming that struggle, and a period of breakthrough. We all run our own races.

daze days

Mundane. These days feel exceptionally mundane.

Work, study, chat with my fam or friends. Rinse, repeat.

Then again, what do I expect? Sometimes I just feel empty, like I should be doing more, but I can't - or just don't have the energy to do anything. Perhaps... I am burning out?

Update:
I've taken 2 weeks off to clear my leave, but that feeling of emptiness still lurks; some days it is less prominent, but nonetheless, still there. I really should start reading the bible again - backslided for about a month.

Clearly the pursuit for romantic love doesn't fill this gaping hole. I find myself feeling irked and tiresome from talking to someone new - is this the "effort needed in a relationship" that people were talking about? Sadly, I find myself taking a liking to guys who are out of my league - or at least I think they are. Perhaps, its better that way - romanticised, yet at a distance.

contrasting reality

Relative to my previous post on #goals, reality seems to differ starkly from what I had in mind.

I took a break from my daily workout; eating whatever I want for close to 14 days. Started exercising again - pushing myself bit by bit each day...

I'm currently nursing a bad (real bad) breakout on my face - 3 cystic inflamed pimples... To be honest, I really want to go visit a dermatologist as I have no idea how to heal it, but its expensive. But, buying products is expensive too - right? I really don't know... Why am I still getting pimples as an adult? And what more when I'm not wearing any makeup? Sighs...

Procrastinating on CFA study everyday.

Ok i'm on Day 8 of my bible streak. Let's hope I keep this one up.

Going to declutter my closet this weekend. Lets hope my white clothes aren't too ruined. NTS: Please wash white items more regularly. Or stop buying them. Or only wear them in air-conditioned places... Also, reminder to self: I am poor. I guess this will stop me from buying irrelevant items, as much as I want to cart out.

things to do this downtime

1. Workout more, healthier diet, lose some weight, fit in jeans, clear skin etc.
2. Study for CFA (6 Dec).
3. Move to a new job, pay raise, new city maybe(?).
4. Read the Bible again, rely less on myself, improve spiritually.
5. Declutter physical possessions, buy stuff relevant to current point in life

changes

I think I have always been someone who doesn't really like change. Then again, idealistically speaking, I'll always welcome any change for the better. However, right at this moment, sometimes I just wish things won't change - that you'll stay where you are as you, and me as me, and us as us. Changes bring different outcomes, unpredictable outcomes, and that uncertainty just kind of unsettles me - because as much as I hesitate to admit, what then becomes of us?

Us, in any form of relationship, requires effort. Be it friendship, courtship, etc. If there's no effort, then the relationship just dies there and we become what ... Strangers? Acquaintances? 

Not harbouring any feelings, or trying not to at the very least, but just feeling bittersweet about how far we've come as friends. And knowing myself, or in plain general, we'd probably drift in the future.

Things were good while they lasted. Even though we never met, I felt a connection, and I hope you did too. As short as time was, thanks for appearing in my life.

lukewarm

Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.
Talking hours everyday for weeks. Silence.

Was it me? Or was it something else that clicked in your brain?
Am I overthinking things? Or are you drawing the line?

Then, again - what are we? We are what we are, and we should stick to that.
But why is it that sometimes, we cross the line, and sometimes we so strictly draw the line...

Just because you did it first, doesn't mean I can't draw the line too.

Then again, isn't this how all things fall apart.
I don't really want to do it, but because you did, I do it back too.

Perhaps, this was just a disaster in the making.