Again

"People are weak when they are alone." -Haruki Murakami

November has been the month which has the most entries so far. And by most entries, it means the most problematic month to a certain extent. I've been going out alot lately these days, with Alayne back, holidays overseas, catching up on social life etc, and most importantly, neglecting my studying schedule. Not that I myself haven't noticed, but even my parents are nagging about it these few days. So here I ask myself; what have i become?

Next year is the Big As, and honestly I'm ultra-super-duperly unprepared. Never is, never will be, in fact. I just can't get myself back to study mode. Honestly, how did I even promote? How did I even get onto that honour roll? I remember when I first entered JC, and how I was extremely uptight about the challenges I was going to face in my subjects. But now, here I am sitting about doing nothing.

Kpop is nothing but a distraction. I survived a year without it. I can do it again. Honestly, I don't mean anything in their lives no matter how much I want myself to. Our paths will never cross, never entangle.   Even if it does, it'll just be a loose knot that quickly unravels. So why do thousands of girls spend hours of their time on people who will never reciprocate their deepest feelings? Now, maybe just now, to me, Kris is just an infatuation, a passing emotion, just like how Jaejoong was to my 13-year old self. How much do I know him? Yeah he's handsome, raps well, sings mediocrely, has a cold image, and that's about it. And the fact that he looks like Jaejoong at some angles makes me doubt my true feelings even more. And now I question myself; why am I even questioning myself about this right now? I'm quite a delusional mess as you can see. But today, I'm letting go. No more fanfics, fangirling, picture stalking etc. No, just no more of this.

I've built a wall around my thoughts. A very obvious wall that I bet all my friends can see. At times, when I let loose, I joke around and stuff. But when I'm out of it, I just get really quiet and angsty. Thinking back, the burning out fiasco during Os was quite embarrassing. To think I told Pang about it. But back then, I honestly had no one to turn to. I really hope next year won't be like that. And then there's the part where Bo always asks Geraldine and Pang out, but not openly. I mean like hey, it's not like I'll get hurt or anything right. Must you guys be so low key about it? Honesty, that makes it even worse. I know I'm not the best at handling relationships, and honestly, I prefer being alone (most of time to a certain extent). I'm an awkward fcuk ok? Ugh. When I go out with one other friend, no matter how close, I'm awkward. Like I don't know what to say, how to start a conversation etc etc etc. It sucks.

My life seems kinda bleak right now. 16 years of floating about and here I am having to make a life-defining decision next year. Which course in university? I don't know. Deep down, I would like to enter LSE, perhaps take law or accounting, or economics, or maybe political science, although I don't know what I'll do with that degree. But yet, I feel like I'm not smart enough. And... why am I even choosing these courses? What's my talent? What's my dream? What's my inclination? I don't even know what I like!!!

Lastly, I'm sorry Lord. Sorry for being such a bad Christian. Sorry for being a sinner. Forgive me, for everything, please. I'm sorry. Ignite a spark Lord. I need it, I need it very much. Will tomorrow be a better day? Hopefully. I need to get back on track with God, with my studies and with myself.

Goodnight,
Mess