It's been 2 weeks since As has ended and yet i still feel this sense of existential emptiness within me that is incurable and apparently made worse by the fact that my introverted nature compels me to withdraw from others.
Now, I don't really know how to help myself. I feel myself turning into an entirely new being, perhaps a new facade that my friends do not really like, and that I myself also find it at times difficult to tolerate. I have all the time to read, to write, to draw, to get lost in fictional screenplays and yet these do not fill the hole inside me that yearns to be filled.
What I once shunned to become, I am now gradually transforming into. One of them. Narcissistic creatures that take too much of a care upon their appearance, irregardless of the circumstance of their families, be it in a wealth/monetary sense. Then again, as I reach towards the age of 18, I feel the burdens of an adult slowly settling upon my shoulders. Its there, but not there. College applications, scholarship essays, getting the better job, comparing salaries, comparing wealth, comparing lives. Comparison is what is settling in so starkly into my life, now taking a heavier weight in the evaluation of my life. What was once a comparison between who had the nicer pencil case or who had a nicer backpack, has now become who has a nicer bank account figure, and who has a nicer life.
Friends get jealous and retaliate, and in self defense we retaliate too. Pushing each other further from the point where we once settled comfortably. School life is no more. No more hand holding, no more uniforms, no more explicitly stated rules. Everything is now based on intuition and that determines your grade of evaluation. Do you have enough common sense to do this, or to not do this?
Everyone is assessing your every move, your record now reflects your future. Isn't that enough to be stressed about. No more letting your guard down. Can't time slow down?
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