same ol'

A new year - I find myself thinking about the same things i.e. jobs, relationships, my uncertain future. I guess it is common for a 20+ year-old person to constantly be fixated on what is to be the "prime time" of life. Time and time again, we find ourselves worrying about how our future will pan out; afraid of the 1001 things we are missing out.

Sometimes I wished I matured earlier, not in a responsibility/studying sense, but in a personal sense. Being fixated on solely 1 aspect of life is definitely not healthy, and I guess only in my final year of education did I realise that. Took me quite a while I guess. Then again, when is it ever too late - as the saying goes: If not now, then when? 

At this point, as much as I do not want to admit, I am still nursing my butt-hurt feelings of being passively rejected/ghosted/ignored or whatever you want to label it as. I guess, life isn't perfect. The chances of the person you think you like, liking you back, is infinitesimally small - even though dramas seem to portray otherwise. Then again, there are times in the day where I find myself wondering where there is an inkling of hope, of divine intervention, of anything really; that he would ever like me back. Oh, what a fool I am. As I turn 23 at the end of this year, sometimes I feel like I'm just beginning to experience what I should have experienced at 13.

Currently stuck in this limbo of "I don't know-s" and "Maybe-s" - yes - I do yearn for certainty, for some concrete result or outcome to cement in my life. But nevertheless, perhaps this is a test for me to trust more, have a little more patience, have a little more faith in the One who holds my tomorrow.

Cont'd 05 May 2019
This feeling, it's been a long time coming. Feeling slightly foreign, yet vaguely familiar - in all ways wrong. I still recall the days of listlessness, scrolling through Instagram in hopes that I might find something to block out the nagging emptiness somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Why is this feeling back? Where's the strength, the hope, the confidence I had built from the entire idea of a fresh start? Perhaps this is a test of patience and resilience. These days my prayers revolve around 3 things. 3 general ideas that I ask God almost every day for - that if He would just bless me with them, my life would be so much better. But honestly, would it truly be? Everyday I am plagued with crippling self-doubt - a downside of a perfectionist as I just read on HBR. Mind over matter. Tough times don't last girl. There's more to life than this. You can do it!

I really hope when I read this entry months down the road, everything would have worked out for the better and my current worries at the back of my mind would seem minuscule in comparison...