slow progress is still progress

 Over the years, I've seen how I've changed - physically, mentally. Am i proud of how far I've come? Heck yes. But too often a time, I beat myself up over how my evolution should have happened earlier, how the mindset I have now should've been what I had when I was 3 years younger.... 

Reminder to self: slow progress is still progress. I am a work in progress day by day. And I should stop comparing my future with my past. Nothing can change what has happened - we can only look forward to better days, and a better me. So to myself: stop thinking of the should haves and what ifs; instead, stand tall, shoulders back, and look straight ahead straight in the eye at what is to come. 

intentions

 So it’s the first day of the new year, and like how I told everyone - I do not set new year resolutions. That said, I chanced upon the book, “Atomic Habits”, and albeit I haven’t read it yet, it seems timely to set intentions for the new year regardless whether I ultimately keep to it or not. Perhaps as something to work towards, or a gentle reminder of some sort when looking back. 

Yesterday blowing out the candles on my cake, I wished for health, wealth, love and happiness. Standard wishes that sum up the major goals of twenty something year old humans like myself who are caught in a limbo between still figuring out what we want in life and wanting the comfort and stability of an undisrupted predictable life. 

1. Pass CFA L3

2. Modelling skills (and knowing how to run a deal at 80%)

3. Self love - accepting myself for who I am, becoming my evolved self, taking care of my body and my mental health 

4. Find my passions / side hobbies or try something new! 

5. Travel - nature hike, something adrenaline rushing, something familiar like a city 

Working on myself, loving myself, becoming a better version of myself, for myself. And maybe that security will invite new people into my life as well. :)

Here’s to 2022!

imposter

 Look at you, look at me. Are we the same person, or just a figment of my imagination? 

Every time someone crosses a boundary beyond my personal space, white lies, are my escape. A version of me in my head that seems cooler, smarter, more put together, more normal than what I truly am. Honesty, can't I have that, even with myself? Why do I have such low self esteem that I discount every thing that makes me me? 

grey areas

 As we grow older, we no longer see things in black and white, but rather, and amalgamation of the two i.e. in grey. 

They say your 20s are the most selfish - and I kinda feel that’s true. Day in day out, I’m working on myself, for myself. Am I leading too fast paced of a life where I don’t even get a minute to slow down and have a chat with my family? Share a joke? Ask about their day? 

A big part of the day is spent at work, where I appreciate minimum distractions. And when I finally log off, I am drained mentally with no energy to socialise. Only as I turn off the lights and stare at the ceiling in the dark do I think about things. Things, like - 

Is my dad ok? He looked sad today. My grandmother was finally allocated a spot in the nursing home. Not the best one, but an okay one. I know he’s been grumbling about her antics here and there - only when you ask - but day in day out he still religiously visits her to tend to her needs, spend some time with her, and give her some semblance of a normal life. I always speak about it very objectively; that he should put his own mental health before the needs of someone else given that her brain has degenerated and my grandmother isn’t who she is anymore. But now that I think about it, when you look at her, isn’t it even more heartbreaking to see your very own mother, the woman who used to fuss over the curls of her hair or the type of skincare product to tap onto her face, be reduced to someone who defecates on the bed and crawls around the house? 

He never talks to me about it. And I never ask. I only hear stories passed on from my mom. But I see it in him, his tiredness, his frustration, his sadness, yet his love for his own mother that gets him up at 2am in the morning to check on her rain or shine. Who can deal with such a brutal routine? I honestly salute my dad, for I don’t even know if I myself can do it. 

I don’t know how to speak to him or comfort him on this. Any approach would seem fake or false or unnatural to begin with - but is this better than turning a blind eye to it all. To acting nonchalant till life throws you this problem in the face next time? I feel like I know the answer, and yet am beating about the bush by masking it with an I-don’t-know. 

Life is fleeting, and we’re all getting older. Realistically, soon, people will leave. And leave forever. The thought about it is morbid and sad but true. Perhaps it’s my period, but thinking about it makes me sad. Really sad. 

My dad jokes about being able to go on holidays when he finally doesn’t need to care for my grandmother 24/7. Oh to better days ahead! But I know deep down, there’ll always be that separation anxiety. That sorrow when you see someone dear to you spiral towards death’s end. I really pray for healing emotionally, physically and spiritually for my Dad - to keep him stronger than he already is. 

One day, I hope to bring him on a big trip. Somewhere he likes, with great food, joy and laughter. Or many trips for that matter. Dedicating a good 10 years of your life to care for someone - can I do that? To be honest, my flat out answer is probably no. But who knows what life brings. 

Lord, I put my life into your hands. I trust that my dad is already in your hands. Grant him strength and wisdom as he enters his golden years. I do not know what else to pray about, but Lord I trust that you know the answers to the worries of my heart. The worries that I myself am not able to put into words. In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.

Prayer in waiting

 God, thank you for being someone I can always trust. Even when i don't understand all the details, I can still rely on You. You can take any situation and use it for my good and Your glory. Please remind me that there is a purpose for my waiting, and show me how You are at work in this moment of my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

imagination

It's coming to the end of March. A new year. Same problems - exams, job, self, love. Has all the time been spent in my head, yet not making any effort to improve? 

I really wish for some change this year. Breakthroughs, success. I pray, I ask Lord, for You to pour out your blessings. 

As serendipitous as it seems, sometimes very specific strangers just fall into my mind, and my imagination runs wild - with all the things we could be. But things don't follow up thereafter, could they, please? 

Or maybe I just need to get out of my head.

you are not the reflection of those who don't love you

The possibility of your crush liking you back, is like 0.01% or less... I guess that's supposed to comfort me in some way i.e. that I'm not alone in this.  But the truth is, I'm having trouble coming to terms as to why - what does he not like about me? Is it my face? Is it my personality? 

But after reading this article (which isn't as trashy as I thought it'd be) https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/common-reasons-doesnt-like-back-handle , I think maybe - I kind of get it... 

Why should I change, just so some stranger can like me back? Why can't they like me for who I am? And in fact, there is a possibility that someone out there, could like me - for me... Well, I believe this is a good way to start, but a gentle reminder to myself to not put my lame, trashy self out there too quickly as well.

goals

Just off the top of my head: 

- Clear CFA 2 and 3 by June 2021

- Spend 2 years (tops) at Ntx; move to new/related area in 2021

- Get driving license in 2021

- Shortlist potential property

- Find a bf? 

I've always been a fan of bucket lists; checking things off a list gives me a sense of satisfaction. These days however feel like I've gotta strive extra hard to tick those items off my list - is this a sign of growing worldliness? 

Expectations from myself..., others. 

Just a reminder for myself that sometimes, the successes we see of others don't actually come that easy. Everyone always will have a period of struggle, a period of overcoming that struggle, and a period of breakthrough. We all run our own races.

daze days

Mundane. These days feel exceptionally mundane.

Work, study, chat with my fam or friends. Rinse, repeat.

Then again, what do I expect? Sometimes I just feel empty, like I should be doing more, but I can't - or just don't have the energy to do anything. Perhaps... I am burning out?

Update:
I've taken 2 weeks off to clear my leave, but that feeling of emptiness still lurks; some days it is less prominent, but nonetheless, still there. I really should start reading the bible again - backslided for about a month.

Clearly the pursuit for romantic love doesn't fill this gaping hole. I find myself feeling irked and tiresome from talking to someone new - is this the "effort needed in a relationship" that people were talking about? Sadly, I find myself taking a liking to guys who are out of my league - or at least I think they are. Perhaps, its better that way - romanticised, yet at a distance.

contrasting reality

Relative to my previous post on #goals, reality seems to differ starkly from what I had in mind.

I took a break from my daily workout; eating whatever I want for close to 14 days. Started exercising again - pushing myself bit by bit each day...

I'm currently nursing a bad (real bad) breakout on my face - 3 cystic inflamed pimples... To be honest, I really want to go visit a dermatologist as I have no idea how to heal it, but its expensive. But, buying products is expensive too - right? I really don't know... Why am I still getting pimples as an adult? And what more when I'm not wearing any makeup? Sighs...

Procrastinating on CFA study everyday.

Ok i'm on Day 8 of my bible streak. Let's hope I keep this one up.

Going to declutter my closet this weekend. Lets hope my white clothes aren't too ruined. NTS: Please wash white items more regularly. Or stop buying them. Or only wear them in air-conditioned places... Also, reminder to self: I am poor. I guess this will stop me from buying irrelevant items, as much as I want to cart out.

things to do this downtime

1. Workout more, healthier diet, lose some weight, fit in jeans, clear skin etc.
2. Study for CFA (6 Dec).
3. Move to a new job, pay raise, new city maybe(?).
4. Read the Bible again, rely less on myself, improve spiritually.
5. Declutter physical possessions, buy stuff relevant to current point in life

changes

I think I have always been someone who doesn't really like change. Then again, idealistically speaking, I'll always welcome any change for the better. However, right at this moment, sometimes I just wish things won't change - that you'll stay where you are as you, and me as me, and us as us. Changes bring different outcomes, unpredictable outcomes, and that uncertainty just kind of unsettles me - because as much as I hesitate to admit, what then becomes of us?

Us, in any form of relationship, requires effort. Be it friendship, courtship, etc. If there's no effort, then the relationship just dies there and we become what ... Strangers? Acquaintances? 

Not harbouring any feelings, or trying not to at the very least, but just feeling bittersweet about how far we've come as friends. And knowing myself, or in plain general, we'd probably drift in the future.

Things were good while they lasted. Even though we never met, I felt a connection, and I hope you did too. As short as time was, thanks for appearing in my life.

lukewarm

Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.
Talking hours everyday for weeks. Silence.

Was it me? Or was it something else that clicked in your brain?
Am I overthinking things? Or are you drawing the line?

Then, again - what are we? We are what we are, and we should stick to that.
But why is it that sometimes, we cross the line, and sometimes we so strictly draw the line...

Just because you did it first, doesn't mean I can't draw the line too.

Then again, isn't this how all things fall apart.
I don't really want to do it, but because you did, I do it back too.

Perhaps, this was just a disaster in the making.

one-sided intentions

Maybe it was a shift in the weather. Or the fact that it was the time of the month. Or maybe I was just thinking too much. Either way, I truly did have a mini-or whatever your wanna call it crush on KK. Sighs. Then again, I really wish for him to be happy with whoever he's with now.

Dealing with it day by day, it's getting better. And at least we still talk. I just find myself thinking back to the what-ifs and could-bes, but then again it's better if I don't. Rationally speaking, I might have shown more interest aside from his occasional heart emojis on skype, but then again, it all means nothing. I still hope we remain good friends, and that he'll invite me to his wedding. And at that point in time, I really wish I can be happy for him. 

*cues Oh Wonder's Happy on repeat*

limbo

Was randomly looking thru (my now defunct account) @itsouou and had a sudden wave of reminiscence at my past life. The hipster life where all I cared about was good coffee, nice kicks, getting a good shot for the gram. The chill life I guess - but it was all a facade, burying the worry and uncertainty of the "future" I was to expect back then.

Then again, it was a nice aesthetic period of my youth I guess. Now - no longer chasing after a good cuppa, no longer taking 20 minutes to get a good shot. But sometimes, I feel myself lapsing back to that converse-wearing, striped shirt and tote bag combination of fashion that just shows the hipster I was / wanted to be back then, and now. Heels, midis, tight fitting dresses - those were never really my thing, but yet I feel myself gravitating towards them now as a working adult, where I kind of need to fit in. Fit the image of a feminine, or at least put together lady. Aha, the wonders of fashion to set the impression.

On a side note, really wanted to go back to Korea, but alas coronavirus is here...

Updates 5.0

Probation will be over tomorrow, marking three months in my first job. W came to the snack shelf and suddenly said "Let's talk.". "Me?". "Yes, you haha." Almost peed my pants wondering what was up, but aha it was just evaluation.

Nevertheless, it shed light onto my progress thus far. Average, nothing spectacular.
1. Reminder to myself to be more detailed - check, corroborate, check again.
2. Proactiveness and be open to asking and following up with questions. I have this fear of looking stupid, but honestly, the stupid one is the one who doesn't ask questions. Really need to overcome this fear of getting scolded.
3. Taking charge, taking ownership, being more confident. W said its okay to ask or chase senior guys to get their job done. I should also be more sociable, asking for updates on tasks / following up on things such that there are updates!!!

In my spare time, W also said that I should read up on GSF if I really wanna do this long term cos this would set myself apart from others. He also encouraged me to look outside of where I am at front office roles - which I felt was the making of a good boss - i.e. wanting the best growth in employees.

Sad thing is there aren't many GTPs out there, but then again I think know that God has put me with W for a purpose, and it's essential for my growth. So as much as I worry for the future, I know who holds my tomorrow. :)

Updates 4.0

These updates were supposed to be a daily thing, but work gets tiring and this is just not a priority. Either way, ate lunch with Boss X for the first time - alone - today. It was a totally spontaneous decision, when I'd originally decided to save money for the month. Twas a good decision though, the man is knowledgeable. I guess he also knows my predicament of not being a confirmed staff, so he shared lots of exit ops, things I should learn, attitude I should have etc. To be honest, I don't think he's a bad guy, in fact he is really nice and charismatic in way when he jokes around, but when it comes to work, its business. And I kinda like that about him.

Also, every time I talk to Boss X, he just says so much valuable stuff that I can't internalise everything i.e. I forget bits and pieces of information here and there, so I've decided to create a hashtag called 'wise words (from) william' #www.

#www
Availability based PPPs - government gives X year concession such that they will pay the D&C contractor the scheduled eg quarterly payments on condition that the infrastructure is partially available for the public to use eg 3 lanes of the road are open to traffic.

This reduces congestion and traffic risk issues - thus Low traffic risk

Previously PPPs had cases of non-availability basis, such that the D&C contractor for example get payments based on the toll they charge to public based on eg the number of roads they open. But this resulted in huge failures and other issues so now in Australia, all/most PPPs are availability based.

Given that the contractor is the government which is often AAA rated, there is also lower risk involved.

For PPP projects, the government will open the project for bidding by Contractors (in Ozone’s case = the consortium). Doesn’t mean that the highest bidder will win the project, various factors are involved - the sharpest pricing (value for money) will win. Factors are credibility, experience, innovation etc.

Abatement mechanism:
Pre agreed tendered sum minus deductions if under performance ie subpar quality delivery.

Updates 3.0

Day 5,6,7,8: Whirlwind week - ok not that much of a whirlwind, but forgot to blog.

Boss X is back from down under, so I was expecting like 'real work' but turns out I'm just reading credit papers and getting familiarised with reporting procedures on the platform for now. Oh well, is this the nature of the job? Seems chill answering emails - I still don't really get how to identify how to price the syndication and things like that - does it come with experience? Idk.

Boss registered me for some green bond conference this coming Thursday, so I hope it'll be a good learning experience :-) There's networking too, so let's hope I am able to hold conversations and make friends and learn from people! Everyday was rather mundane, but xixi got tickets to the Daniel Kang fanmeeting, wew! Turns out EMK got VIP tickets and is going as well lmao.

Friday was a team lunch treat by Boss X - ate some pork lard fried rice, which was a wrong choice - cos I hate pork lard... but the beer was good :-) Also, my entire team chao-geng-ed for the fire drill - we went to Providore for coffee and chit chat lmao. Turns out mr blondie is sitting behind me, and one evening when Boss X and EMK left, I totally was out of my element and fking burped. FML. So embarrassing.

Lets hope work gets better and I get more sociable about the office :-) lol
Was also contemplating whether I should apply for HS' grad prog next yr - hmm, I guess it doesn't hurt to try? But the only caveat is applying so early when I have only completed 2 weeks of my current job. Decisions. Also gonna give tuition for some extra moolah. Bless me, hope I get a kid that works well with me...

Updates 2.0

Day 3: Much better day - maybe it was my mood, but people seemed friendlier? EMK brought me out for lunch and treated me to chatterbox - my 1st time eating that atas $10 chicken rice. It was alright, although there were still awkward moments of silence in between our meal. Idk maybe she just doesn't put in any effort to talk to me? I feel like a burden to her, sian, when will I earn her recognition? Do I need to? Heard her speaking to clients over the phone and wow her personality was totally different - like laughing and smiling and upbeat all. Oh lol, the facades we all put up at work. Waited for LC and MM to knock off before grabbing to MelvG's house for his bbq. Met my predecessor Grem and other people around the office so good choice to go. Everyone was really friendly, and maybe it was the plentiful amount of booze around, but conversations were easy. LC is really nice and you can see he actually puts in effort to make conversation (a skill, my friend), but MM is just like ugh-i-don't-want-to-hang-out-with-lame-ol-me. LMAO. oh well. Cheers to better days. Met some girlies around the office so yay me.

Day 4: Finally have access to the platform, so read up a bit on the various deals before W comes back from Aus. EMK was super busy taking calls today and I felt like I couldn't help in anything - oh well. Ate lunch alone today (sobs) but didn't feel that hungry anyway - should have asked my 2 kakis - I need to stop being so awkward!!! EMK cleared questions w me at the end of the day, and wow she IS knowledgeable - really want to reach that level quick. Tbh I feel that she is not that cold, she just probably is as awkward as me. Left early, ok not early, but earlier than usual - 6:30 - cause I didn't see a point waiting for EMK to get back from the toilet just to say pleasantries like 'have a nice weekend'. Oh well, looking forward to the 4 day weekend whoots! Work awaits next week and Idk how the power dynamic works when W is back but putting everything in the Lord's hands. Really pray I can pick up things fast and absorb absorb and improve!! Also, probably am signing up again for L2, sighs, I failed quite badly for CF + Ec parts thats why I didn't pass, but ain't stop can't stop till we reach the top. Still heartbreaks for the thousand bucks.

reminder