Procrastination of the mind.

'It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you've made, and there's this panic because you don't know yet the scale of disaster you've left yourself open up to.'

- Kazuo Ishiguro; Never Let Me Go

Am I an ostrich burying my head in the sand? Basically, I just don't have the courage to face up to the decisions I have to make. I've always hated making decisions. But this time, I'm scared to make the wrong move - a move in which I'll have to bear the consequences later on in life. Thus, the pushing pushing pushing of thoughts out of my head; doing everything but the very thinking, or should I say pondering of my future. At the tender age of 19, I can't say I'm still young and unaware, because this age calls for maturity, reason and understanding - things I'm still not really sure I actually possess to a sufficient degree.

'I wish I was a kid again, when I had all the answers.' 

-  S.E. Hinton; That Was Then, This Is Now

Maybe this quote has a certain flaw - maybe when we're kids, we didn't need the answer, we just needed an answer that led us to the next step. Today pastor talked about faith in action,  a faith so strong that we just needed to trust God to take us each step at a time, a faith that didn't need to bring us so far into the future, but just the next step. And I think this was what we were bestowed with as kids, but yet lost as we grew up with the world.

Rational mind, mature reasoning. Ending this with a thousand sighs, like always.

1 am woes

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel uncomfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “Hey babe! I like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

-Thought Catalog

Working blues

Work has started and its worser than banking days. The hours, the lack of friends... It just cumulates to an unhappy atmosphere that I can't wait to get out of. Now I know the feeling of being bounded by contracts. The feeling of obligation to comply to a task that you barely want to adhere to.

However, this job is indeed an eye opener. An eye opener to the life of immigrants - people who have come from far - just to work for a basic wage, a wage we singaporeans deem as low, but to them its a catch that will never be offered back home.

It's hard to do what you really want to do; it's either you do it for less, or you forgo it totally.

mundane life

Ever since I've ended my hectic junior college life, I've become a bed-potato/movie junkie/person-wallowing-in-a-mellowed-nature-of-existence.

1. Silver Linings Playbook
2. The Great Gatsby
3. The Hunger Games - Catching Fire
4. The Notebook
5. Pitch Perfect
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
9. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
10. The Perks of being a Wallflower
11. Crazy Stupid Love
12. Love Actually
13. Ted
14. Easy A
15. Les Miserables
16. The Proposal
17. Inception
18. Killers
19. The Wolf of Wall Street
20. One Day
21. The Vow
22. When in Rome
23. The Theory of Everything
24. Lost in Translation
25. Kingsmen: The Secret Service
26. Somewhere only we know
27. Back to 20
28. Ode to my Father
29. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
30. She's the Man
31. Avengers
32. Fashion King
33. The Con Artists
34. Dragon Blade

The grass is greener on the other side

Some people say that a photograph can speak a thousand words. I believe it's a powerful memento that allows each person to relive cherished moments, never to be willingly forgotten. But what if there existed no photograph to document one particular point in time, a memory that in turn becomes more of a speculation than a reality? Forgetting is a natural occurrence as the clock continues to tick, but some memories - no matter how faded - can never truly disappear.

Dilemma

Results have been posted, and I've still yet to reach a mental agreement whether I'm in a state of flurry and distress, or on the other hand, in a state of stalemate. Is that even the right way to use 'stalemate' in a sentence? Then again, my GP grade was quite the disappointment.

I see people, applying here and there; getting accepted here and there. And then there's me - how do I even apply? What if I get rejected? What if i have to wait another year? Everything seems to require such pro-activeness that I'm kind of lost. It's not the straightforward portal anymore. And to make things worse, I have rarely a clue as to the direction I am heading in.

Accounting? Definite path; happy parents; good paycheck. But then again, boring; no work-life balance; can I even get in with my lack of that A?

Teaching? Secure job scope; good paycheck. But then again, boring life and what's there to look forward to? Becoming principal?

I really don't know anymore. Is this a good thing? Why do I have to decide? Why can't I live a simple life? Busking life?

Think again.

If only we met earlier in our lives

It’s heartwarming to hear someone, even if it’s just one person, who cherished our friendship to the point that she wished for a bigger infinity than what’s to come; an infinity that has yet to reach a deadline but yet she wishes for a few extra years.Thank you for being my first friend in that foreign place. Thank you for being that rare person whom I can talk to freely, whom I can laugh my head off, whom I sense that we stand on the same levelled ground - no higher, no lower. Most importantly, thank you for being that friend which I can sit with in absolute silence, with a lack of conversation, and yet still feel comfortable enough with the absence of an awkward atmosphere. These kind of people are hard to come by given my reclusive nature and absolute poor conversational abilities. So far having just one or two in my life, thank you for being the one more. This phrase got me thinking if I had any existing friend at this point in time which I wished I had met at an earlier point in my life. But then again I’m met with this conundrum - would the supposed person even like my 10 year old or 15 year old self? The persona where I was somewhat nerdy, somewhat dirty, somewhat uncaring and nasty in a sense? Someone you wouldn’t wanna commit a friendship to. Either way, while I was thinking, a few names came into my mind but I couldn’t really pen any of their names down in my thoughts. They were an option but not the answer. Can the answer be blank? Perhaps so, given the stretch of life ahead of us where we will meet a melange of varying people and personalities. But as you crop your friendship circle at this age, I’m starting to wonder how many ‘close friends’ am I really close to? What am I to them? Why do I seem so easily replaced? You might be thinking that I am overthinking this whole fiasco, which is 70% true even in my opinion, but this has been a recurring theme in my life. Why do I feel like I’m drifting? That everyone is distancing themselves away from me. Everyone is giving me superficial smiles and lies when in actuality they dislike my personality or in a lighter tone, they’re afraid? Am I domineering? Am i of a different class? A different level? Have I ever looked down on them? What they see is just a facade built to save my own heart from cracking. A facade to save my pride and my butt hurt ass from feeling at a state of deprivation and loss because I’m being excluded. A facade that perhaps triggered stronger feelings amongst them to distance themselves from me. Was it my fault or hers? Why didn’t she ask me? Why didn’t she discuss with me? Why didn’t she make time for me? Why? Did we only have what we had because of circumstance? Was I her crutch just as she was mine? If you’re not trying, I’m tired of trying too.

Overthinking, overthinking.