Spent a whole day watching movies - what good am I becoming? A bum?
What is my 5 year goal? Who do I want to become? Unwilling to admit, but - here I am - I definitely am rather impatient for success. Scared for the future, yes. What am I to be? I can't help to compare myself to my predecessors who've had the easy leg in, who've taken the long route, who've chartered an unchartered path. And I have no idea where I will be in all this to come.
Salary comparison, Companionship comparison, Life comparison. This whole thing isn't about comparison. As we step out into the world, what matters? To be happy? To live a Godly life? Then let that lead you in your choices. Never make choices, just so that someone will think you are better off than them. Because the emptiness will eat you - alive.
Money is money. Money will clothe you and put food on the table. But never chase the money. God will provide. Don't let money cloud your ambition.
Sunday, 21 July 2019
Thursday, 27 June 2019
a good dilemma
I prayed for a job, and now I've got 2 pending offers and 3 awaiting a response. I wouldn't say they are top choices, but hey - it's better than nothing in my inbox am I right?
Now the issue is which to reject. I find myself at crossroads again, fearing to make a wrong decision. Flashbacks to when I was deciding a course in university and read the quote by Sylvia Plath on fruits on fig trees. Oh well, career progression opportunities, salary, environment, people, etc. So many factors to consider? And which to prioritise? A reminder from my Dad, is that: Ultimately, it's my life. If I want to prioritise money now, then I will get that money down the road. If I want to prioritise people, then I will get to work with good people down the road. But there will always be sacrifices, and it's up to me what I want to sacrifice.
Currently, a draft is sitting in my inbox waiting to be sent. A new situation, it's not me being rejected, but the other way around. Rejection hurts, regardless if I'm on the receiving end, or the being the sender. Obviously the latter has less emotional damage, but nevertheless, it's never a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision - only God knows. But I've prayed about this for countless nights, for God to lead me where I should go.
The thing is, am I deaf? Or is God silent? Why am I still so confused? Sometimes I hope an Angel will appear in my dreams to give me a sign or just tell me directly what to choose, but nah, those were ancient times - things aren't so clear in these times. So that leads me back to square 1.
Option 1: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, ideal job scope, low salary.
Option 2: Ok boss, international environment, possible exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ok salary
Option 3: Ok boss, nice environment, good exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer?
Option 4: Ok boss, nice environment, possible exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer?
Option 5: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ?offer?
Now the issue is which to reject. I find myself at crossroads again, fearing to make a wrong decision. Flashbacks to when I was deciding a course in university and read the quote by Sylvia Plath on fruits on fig trees. Oh well, career progression opportunities, salary, environment, people, etc. So many factors to consider? And which to prioritise? A reminder from my Dad, is that: Ultimately, it's my life. If I want to prioritise money now, then I will get that money down the road. If I want to prioritise people, then I will get to work with good people down the road. But there will always be sacrifices, and it's up to me what I want to sacrifice.
Currently, a draft is sitting in my inbox waiting to be sent. A new situation, it's not me being rejected, but the other way around. Rejection hurts, regardless if I'm on the receiving end, or the being the sender. Obviously the latter has less emotional damage, but nevertheless, it's never a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision - only God knows. But I've prayed about this for countless nights, for God to lead me where I should go.
The thing is, am I deaf? Or is God silent? Why am I still so confused? Sometimes I hope an Angel will appear in my dreams to give me a sign or just tell me directly what to choose, but nah, those were ancient times - things aren't so clear in these times. So that leads me back to square 1.
Option 1: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, ideal job scope, low salary.
Option 2: Ok boss, international environment, possible exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ok salary
Option 3: Ok boss, nice environment, good exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer?
Option 4: Ok boss, nice environment, possible exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer?
Option 5: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ?offer?
Saturday, 8 June 2019
same ol'
A new year - I find myself thinking about the same things i.e. jobs, relationships, my uncertain future. I guess it is common for a 20+ year-old person to constantly be fixated on what is to be the "prime time" of life. Time and time again, we find ourselves worrying about how our future will pan out; afraid of the 1001 things we are missing out.
Sometimes I wished I matured earlier, not in a responsibility/studying sense, but in a personal sense. Being fixated on solely 1 aspect of life is definitely not healthy, and I guess only in my final year of education did I realise that. Took me quite a while I guess. Then again, when is it ever too late - as the saying goes: If not now, then when?
At this point, as much as I do not want to admit, I am still nursing my butt-hurt feelings of being passively rejected/ghosted/ignored or whatever you want to label it as. I guess, life isn't perfect. The chances of the person you think you like, liking you back, is infinitesimally small - even though dramas seem to portray otherwise. Then again, there are times in the day where I find myself wondering where there is an inkling of hope, of divine intervention, of anything really; that he would ever like me back. Oh, what a fool I am. As I turn 23 at the end of this year, sometimes I feel like I'm just beginning to experience what I should have experienced at 13.
Currently stuck in this limbo of "I don't know-s" and "Maybe-s" - yes - I do yearn for certainty, for some concrete result or outcome to cement in my life. But nevertheless, perhaps this is a test for me to trust more, have a little more patience, have a little more faith in the One who holds my tomorrow.
Cont'd 05 May 2019
This feeling, it's been a long time coming. Feeling slightly foreign, yet vaguely familiar - in all ways wrong. I still recall the days of listlessness, scrolling through Instagram in hopes that I might find something to block out the nagging emptiness somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Why is this feeling back? Where's the strength, the hope, the confidence I had built from the entire idea of a fresh start? Perhaps this is a test of patience and resilience. These days my prayers revolve around 3 things. 3 general ideas that I ask God almost every day for - that if He would just bless me with them, my life would be so much better. But honestly, would it truly be? Everyday I am plagued with crippling self-doubt - a downside of a perfectionist as I just read on HBR. Mind over matter. Tough times don't last girl. There's more to life than this. You can do it!
I really hope when I read this entry months down the road, everything would have worked out for the better and my current worries at the back of my mind would seem minuscule in comparison...
Sometimes I wished I matured earlier, not in a responsibility/studying sense, but in a personal sense. Being fixated on solely 1 aspect of life is definitely not healthy, and I guess only in my final year of education did I realise that. Took me quite a while I guess. Then again, when is it ever too late - as the saying goes: If not now, then when?
At this point, as much as I do not want to admit, I am still nursing my butt-hurt feelings of being passively rejected/ghosted/ignored or whatever you want to label it as. I guess, life isn't perfect. The chances of the person you think you like, liking you back, is infinitesimally small - even though dramas seem to portray otherwise. Then again, there are times in the day where I find myself wondering where there is an inkling of hope, of divine intervention, of anything really; that he would ever like me back. Oh, what a fool I am. As I turn 23 at the end of this year, sometimes I feel like I'm just beginning to experience what I should have experienced at 13.
Currently stuck in this limbo of "I don't know-s" and "Maybe-s" - yes - I do yearn for certainty, for some concrete result or outcome to cement in my life. But nevertheless, perhaps this is a test for me to trust more, have a little more patience, have a little more faith in the One who holds my tomorrow.
Cont'd 05 May 2019
This feeling, it's been a long time coming. Feeling slightly foreign, yet vaguely familiar - in all ways wrong. I still recall the days of listlessness, scrolling through Instagram in hopes that I might find something to block out the nagging emptiness somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Why is this feeling back? Where's the strength, the hope, the confidence I had built from the entire idea of a fresh start? Perhaps this is a test of patience and resilience. These days my prayers revolve around 3 things. 3 general ideas that I ask God almost every day for - that if He would just bless me with them, my life would be so much better. But honestly, would it truly be? Everyday I am plagued with crippling self-doubt - a downside of a perfectionist as I just read on HBR. Mind over matter. Tough times don't last girl. There's more to life than this. You can do it!
I really hope when I read this entry months down the road, everything would have worked out for the better and my current worries at the back of my mind would seem minuscule in comparison...
Saturday, 25 August 2018
thinking about life
At 22, entering adulthood, there are things that come to people's minds naturally when they think of us at this point in our life. Jobs, relationships, family. Well, I am working my butt off to secure a job I want... Family, well, we're good... Relationships. Aha. Haven't figured that one out yet.
Was talking with J about life and all, and at the back of my mind I was just thinking:
- Is it wrong or is it THAT bad, to be single and NOT looking?
- Why do girls need to dress a little less conservative at the club? Why does our dressing even matter?
- Why do I have to reason to you why I don't put myself out there to meet people at this age? Maybe I just don't want to? Is that wrong of me to do so?
- Do I have to wear a tad less cloth on my body, and inch shorter shorts for a guy to look my way?
Why do all of these matter? I just feel sad thinking about how society has evolved to the stage where more and more people - lonely souls (?) - are seeking for relationships based on these superficial criteria. Is there some sort of pressure for us, at 22, to be attached? To go to clubs, or trawl through dating apps to find the one? At this point in my life, I just don't find the energy, don't feel the attraction to anyone. Perhaps... it's just me. But as a reminder to myself:
The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. - 1 Samuel 16:7
Friday, 3 August 2018
Dark clouds
The worry of finding a job after graduation is just looming in my mind now.
With competitiveness ramping up within the cohort, I wonder if its possible for me to get a Summa GPA for this semester.
Even if I do get one, will it be in time for bank applications? Day by day I question the sum I invested in this course. Is it worth it? Will it help me find a better job?
I really really want to get into the global graduate rotation programme, but then again what are my chances. I'm scared. I'm stressed. Lord, I put this into Your hands. I really really pray that you will lead me to where I am supposed to go.
Help me to focus on my studies now, and get that GPA. Thereafter, network and apply. Thereafter, ace those interviews, and hopefully I get that job.
Mind over matter. Mind over matter.
With competitiveness ramping up within the cohort, I wonder if its possible for me to get a Summa GPA for this semester.
Even if I do get one, will it be in time for bank applications? Day by day I question the sum I invested in this course. Is it worth it? Will it help me find a better job?
I really really want to get into the global graduate rotation programme, but then again what are my chances. I'm scared. I'm stressed. Lord, I put this into Your hands. I really really pray that you will lead me to where I am supposed to go.
Help me to focus on my studies now, and get that GPA. Thereafter, network and apply. Thereafter, ace those interviews, and hopefully I get that job.
Mind over matter. Mind over matter.
Thursday, 28 June 2018
June, July ...
KPMG
CFA L1 December... 2k
Maintain 4 and above GPA...
Winter Internship...
Dubai?.....2k
Find job for graduation...
Two months of summer have flown by ... and here we are at the end of June. It's just one (or less than a) month to the start of a new beginning. New environments, new friends, new challenges and new possibilities.
For the past year, I've maintained a level-headedness that I have yet to achieve in a while - possibly due to the fact that I have been within a comfort zone and know the ins-and-outs to tackle the challenges placed before me. Then again, I stopped doing my daily devotions, stopped working out, stopped eating clean etc. etc. etc.
I should make it a point to restart my routine this July i.e. this Sunday. Perhaps, I might become a better me? For quite a while, I don't exactly like this version of myself. Too much of this, too little of that... Basically, I have come to the point where time and time again I question myself as to: Do people really like me? Do my friends find me annoying? Why am I here? Even surrounded by my close(st) friends, there's this recurrent thought in my head that I do not belong, that I should be elsewhere, ... that we have grown distant.
I wonder if it is me distancing myself from others, or the other way around, but I sincerely wish for all this to stop. At the age of 22, we start to call ourselves adults. Do adults bother about little things like these? We have been friends since 13 am I right? So what's the big hooha right now? Things change, people change. I've got to admit that relationship dynamics change. So is all this I'm feeling, a normal transition of things? Maybe.
Either way, self-centred or not. I've decided to focus on me. On bettering myself. On becoming a version of myself I can say I like. And perhaps that's all that matters. (Aside from being a Godly woman).
End notes: Things to do starting July:
1. Daily devotion x2 per day (to catch up)
2. Exercise (min. 20 minutes to an hour)
3. Eat clean (intermittent fasting + 3l water per day)
4. Study for CFA (8:30pm to 11:30pm - 3 hour daily intense)
5. Read more (read on commutes to work, cut down social media)
Intentionality is key. Put your mind to it.
Two months of summer have flown by ... and here we are at the end of June. It's just one (or less than a) month to the start of a new beginning. New environments, new friends, new challenges and new possibilities.
For the past year, I've maintained a level-headedness that I have yet to achieve in a while - possibly due to the fact that I have been within a comfort zone and know the ins-and-outs to tackle the challenges placed before me. Then again, I stopped doing my daily devotions, stopped working out, stopped eating clean etc. etc. etc.
I should make it a point to restart my routine this July i.e. this Sunday. Perhaps, I might become a better me? For quite a while, I don't exactly like this version of myself. Too much of this, too little of that... Basically, I have come to the point where time and time again I question myself as to: Do people really like me? Do my friends find me annoying? Why am I here? Even surrounded by my close(st) friends, there's this recurrent thought in my head that I do not belong, that I should be elsewhere, ... that we have grown distant.
I wonder if it is me distancing myself from others, or the other way around, but I sincerely wish for all this to stop. At the age of 22, we start to call ourselves adults. Do adults bother about little things like these? We have been friends since 13 am I right? So what's the big hooha right now? Things change, people change. I've got to admit that relationship dynamics change. So is all this I'm feeling, a normal transition of things? Maybe.
Either way, self-centred or not. I've decided to focus on me. On bettering myself. On becoming a version of myself I can say I like. And perhaps that's all that matters. (Aside from being a Godly woman).
End notes: Things to do starting July:
1. Daily devotion x2 per day (to catch up)
2. Exercise (min. 20 minutes to an hour)
3. Eat clean (intermittent fasting + 3l water per day)
4. Study for CFA (8:30pm to 11:30pm - 3 hour daily intense)
5. Read more (read on commutes to work, cut down social media)
Intentionality is key. Put your mind to it.
Tuesday, 29 May 2018
Intermittent plans for the future
Things to do in May / June / July
Learn
1. UX Design
2. How to use Olympus
3. Bloomberg Terminal
4. VBA, Tableau
Study
1. Study for CFA L1
2. Investing in stocks
Misc.
1. Book CFA L1 December exam
2. Clarify MFA schedule
3. Look for a winter internship!
Learn
1. UX Design
3. Bloomberg Terminal
4. VBA, Tableau
Study
2. Investing in stocks
Misc.
3. Look for a winter internship!
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