Drowning

Depression seems to hit me ever so often nowadays. Is it normal? Yes? No? Maybe. Have I always been that negative my entire life?

Looking at myself, I can't help but detest whatever I see. Looks, character - imperfections. I don't know what to feel anymore. Never was as eloquent as others, never as talented, never as beautiful. Perhaps the potential was there. But then again, all it was was purely potential. A facade covering the innate lack of substantiation of the claim. It is purely the should haves, and the what ifs, nothing more, nothing less. Potential. And I'd like to think that I did indeed have much potential, although ultimately, it remained as potential, a goal close to, but never met.

There it leaves me, there but not there. And sometimes to think of it, this is the worst position to be in, because potential builds up all your hopes, only for it to come crashing down on you like a torrential rainstorm. Average, or maybe less than average. I just hope that one day things will change for the better, or maybe I'll just come to terms with what I am born with.

The end is near + irrelevant thought no. 189230934

It's close to 2 more months to D-Day. 50+ more days to the start of the month of November, the climax of our education to this date. Pressure cumulates at this peak, but we can't let it bring us down. Right now, I have no idea where I stand on my journey. Am I backsliding? Or am I keeping pace, or perhaps slowing down? Scrolling endless pages of tumblr do not seem to be a good sign. Either way, I can't burn out this time. At the very least, I'm still standing, still going. Breakdowns have been often, and looking back, I see myself as someone I don't really know. Someone who holds a certain raw emotion, lacking control. At the end of the day, I always say I'm fine. I'm fine enough, at the very least. I'm fine, just not happy. And at times, the saddest thing you can hear someone say is that they are used to it. Used to feeling like there is no hope,  no way out. The immense feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness that renders you stripped down to the smallest being, if that even makes sense. After all, comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection. The taste of being at the top of the world the peak above everyone else. But that just only renders you even more vulnerable to the depths of failure. The higher you are, the harder you fall. We are all always afraid of not being enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. Sometimes, I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. The times where I'm supposedly funny, or generous, or happily positive and helpful. Not the times, when I'm angsty and depressed.

But ultimately, you're alive only once, as far as we know, and what could be worse than getting to the end of your life and realising you had not lived it? Life is never perfect for anyone. Face it, that's just how God planned it to be. If you had everything, you would not appreciate it. At the end of the day, nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. Nobody will come bursting into your room and cuddle your worries away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it, most probably by yourself. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. That's the only way out of the darkness created by the very victims of it - ourselves.

Thus, if any of you ever come across someone, never judge. Everyone has their own story behind the facades we build to deceive the world. Let's just admit that, everyone has facades. It's just a matter of how thick or thin one's facade is. No one wants to show the suffering, the demons inside us. And that is why the quiet ones always intrigue me. I am drawn to silence. It is because I know that, like me, there's a world inside their souls. If only someone cared to knock on the door.  

And one more thing to note, when someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.

Everything will be okay

Do your best and let God do the rest.

Anything is possible if God is for you. You will make it. Focus on yourself. Not on the progress others are making. Never use others as a barometer for success. Do what you need to do, and if that is not enough, so be it. Cause life is more than an exam, no matter how high the stakes are.

Some days are just a little more sad than the others.

Inadequacy kills. I don't know how many times have I cried over thinking of the many stark flaws evident physically, emotionally, and spiritually within me. Many people would say, "oh everyone has flaws." Yes, that I agree. But do you have flaws so obvious on your outer-being?

Inequality kills. The thought of being worse-off than the other brews a sense of dis-belonging and perhaps jealousy(?) when looking at others enjoy better circumstances than you do.  What's so different between you and I? Comparison is the thief of joy. Think about it.

One year from now, you'll wish you started today. Yes. Just do it.

One can have a life without others knowing.

After wasting countless of precious hours on social media or should I say mainly instagram, I've arrived at somewhat of an epiphany, that I need not flaunt my life i.e. what I do, what I eat, what I have; in order to let others know of my oh-so-up-to-date social lifestyle. I mean like, I'd rather just enjoy the moments shared between the people at the event/date/outing, you know keep it in the circle? No one should judge peoples' lives based on their instagram accounts, even though I'm guilty as charged too. Instagram only reveals things people want us to see. It hides the ugliness of our lives behind filters and carefully-edited photos in square grids. No one wants to see you in your specs and sweats, with that ugly messy bun (that is not at all tumblr-ish) and perhaps breaking out in pimples over stress. It's all a facade, that I as an Alevel student should not be wasting my time on.

6 weeks or maybe less than that to Prelims. So, I screwed my BT2s. Keep up, Buck up. Get back on your feet. That's life. There's a time and a season for everything. Drop the taoris attachment, accept that their friendship is over. Don't keep dwelling on the 'had beens' and the 'what ifs'. It's over. They've been what they've had to be. It's between them. Haven't you been told three's a crowd? Grow up. I'm no longer a youth but a young adult, as Moses said. A professional knows the line between work and feelings. It's time I put that into practise.

Bucketlist

1. guitar
2. korean
3. digital dj-ing
4. web designing
5. photography
6. intellectual literary discovery a.k.a. reading
7. travelling
8. interning in accounting
9. exercising

"青春是一场大雨，即使感冒了，也盼望回头再淋它一次."

Adolescence is like heavy rain; even if you catch a cold from it, you’d still look forward to experiencing it once again.

Don't let your emotions rule your mind. Rationality. Rationality.