吴亦凡

I don't really know how to begin this post, but I really need to get this off my head. Yifan where are you now? Are you fine? Are you doing the right thing? Have you thought about this? What's going on?    Honestly, going through the whole fiasco again after DBSK, it just... sucks. I shouldn't get so affected by this, and should continue studying but hey here's to getting moody and sad. Yifan, I have no idea what's going on in your life right now. Is your heart/health okay? Why didn't the other chinese members leave with you since you guys get the same treatment? Is Tao alright? Leaving like that throws everyone off course. Not only the management with the rescheduling of activities and cancellations, EXO with the change in choreography and a lack of a leader, bandmate and friend, and also the fans, who cannot continue everyday life because there is no update on the latest chaebol fashion, their favourite taoris fanfic, or just the thought of hearing your voice on a television broadcast. But then again, Yifan, you were the reason I liked EXO. Thought I was out of kpop for good, but then I chanced upon your face, and damn, I got sucked back in. Now that you're choosing to leave, is it time for me to leave with you? Sorry to the rest, but to Yifan, whatever you do, 我永远在你背后.

Guilt?

So, while my instagram feed was flooded with pictures of my friends with their moms, the breakfast they made, the flowers they bought, the words of appreciation and stuff like that, I didn't do anything. Yes, I suck, I know. I don't know if it's just out of my character, but yes mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for only knowing how to study, or sometimes not even knowing how to prioritise, basically being a bum in the house that you earnestly hope will stop being awkward and perhaps be as pretty as how I was when I was younger so that I need not cling on to you guys when you're old. Don't worry, that won't happen. I'll buy my own apartment. Honestly, I'm not the most affectionate person around. I don't say 'I love you's, I don't hug my parents, heck, I hardly even say thank you. Even to my friends; I don't like to label my relationships. I don't exactly declare Pang as my best friend, even though I sure treat her exclusively. How do I put it, it's just not me.  Looking at it now, I'm quite a failure. You've invested quite a lot into me, and I can't exactly say that you've neglected me, so thank you, thank you for everything, even though you put me down from time to time. I can't say it to your face at this point in time, but someday, hopefully not too late, I will. So i guess, Happy belated mother's day.

当连自己都不知道自己想说什么

人生中曾有一些瞬间我感到真实的快乐，那时身边有好友和心爱的人，工作辛苦无忧愁，不念过去不望将来，有探索遥远世界的梦想和一颗完整而真诚的心。

Emptiness

It strikes again. meow. Indifference sets in. This has happened too many times. I don't even know what to do about it anymore.

Life con

So today I went for life con for the first time. I guess it was good? Generally it was just a more upbeat and empowering chapel service, but still it was an experience. One takeaway from tonight is "God's peace surpasses all understanding.". I think that is the essential thing for me to understand right at this point in time. Currently, I'm going through the "dark days" for my JC life. Not that it was all a bed of roses in the past, but yeah, things have been bad and my emotions have been on the loose. Honestly, my emotional maturity is extremely low, and time and time again I find myself stuck in this rut of -what do I call it- failure? Perhaps, failing NAPFA countless of times is part of God's plan? Or then again, maybe not. I've been 2 weeks off my revision schedule and here I am thinking, or should I say overthinking,  that I'm weak minded because I just can't get my legs to run, or get myself to study. But here God says that we are all imperfect, and through our imperfections, only can we see the power of God in us. And one more thing to take away from life con: No matter how much of a failure you are to yourself or to anybody for that matter, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how many disappointments you commit to others, God knows, and God is there to carry the burden for you. Nothing is impossible with the Father.

I will give you all my praise. Hallelujah. Save me oh Lord. Bring me back to where I am close to you.

感谢

Today was the release of PW results and most of the papers for BT1 and boy am I glad things turned out fine. :-) Thank you Lord, Thank you so much. It was like time and time again I find myself falling short of an A every time I collect back a single subject result slip - Chinese, O Levels, Chinese As. And disappointment just engulfs me because I missed it by just that much. But this time, I got an A. To think those nights or trauma and dry eyes didn't go to waste. Thank you Lord. I really have no greater person to thank other God, because without his favour, I would have never gotten this result.

On a side note, I did not pass NAPFA. But I'll just have to keep trying for that.

BT1s are over and everyone is gearing up for BT2s. Trolling on the net has led me to find out that hey, even people like kblm are doing fine, what about me? I really need to buck up. PW is just 10/90 points. Never be complacent. Sometimes I just feel so lazy, but I've got to kick that habit before it becomes permanent. Keep up the positivity, don't let failures get you down. Because if experience hasn't shown you, as long you keep trying and putting your best effort, God will never let you down. And you know what they say? God can make miracles :-) Always keep the faith and just keep pushing on!

If you don't work for what you want,
Don't cry for what you lost.

先苦后甜

Daily incoherent thoughts

Is it normal to cry like once every week? I ask myself this time and time again. Incoherent thoughts flow at the strangest hour. I think perhaps I suffer from some psychological illness? And yet maybe it's just me.

Inadequacy kills. The feelings of being a failure in this world just - sucks the life out of you. Countless times, and recently ever more frequently, I feel this sense of inadequacy, lacking the looks, the brains, the character to be someone liked by others in society. Inferiority complex maybe? But every time I look around, my inadequacies seems to stand out starkly among the sea of people around me who just seem to have so much more. Is this a lack of gratefulness to God? I don't know, and I honestly hope not.

Looking back at my childhood photos, I see my flaw-less face: clean, fair, unblemished skin. A stark contrast of myself today. Dimples and a cute shy smile, and a size that is petite. All the opposites from what I am now. In my current state, I hate to look into mirrors for I see a reflection of myself that I do not want to see. Blemished face, sunken eyes, crooked teeth, awkward size. Why couldn't things change for the better? Am i still in puberty? Doubt so. Then why aren't things looking up for me?

At a time like this, I'd like to ask: what is life for me? The person who studies so hard, and yet doesn't score. The person who had the potential to look decent, but became what ought not to be mentioned. The person who was rooted in Christ, to become this floater among the vestiges of life and trials.

What has happened for me?