All we need isn't love, but God.

“In that Giant Gap between who you want to be and who you really are, every other religion, including the evangelical church, tells you to “close the gap.” That’s religion.

Jesus is the only who said, “I will meet you where you are. I am running backwards through the gap to you. And we will walk this walk together, one step at a time, me in the lead, and I will be with you whether you feel me or not, always." 

Faith is being more and more sure of this reality, and it’s not being more sure that you’re sinning less. It’s never just running from sin, but running to Him.”

Worries of an introvert

Perhaps today was supposed to be a happy day, but sitting here at 12am I feel this sense of loneliness and melancholiness plaguing me. Hanging with the usual 3 is not always the best combination, given that somehow I always feel left out at some point. Am I being over sensitive?

"After high school, you realise you were only friends with some people because you saw them five times a week." 

Sometimes I wonder how true this is. After graduating from SA, reluctantly, how many friends, real ones, can I say I've actually made? The fact that SA was a christian school was one of the better things, but then again I didn't really cherish my time in SA. I mean there's no point crying over spilt milk. Time can't be rewinded to make better friends, study harder or anything, and at this point its all about moving on. Everyone's growing up, shaving off their circle friends to what was and what is going to be. We're turning 18 soon. Well most of my friends have already turned. Just me left. Am I an adult yet? Kidult maybe. Everybody around me is "forcing" me to grow up. And as I test the waters of adulthood, oh does it seems deep, choppy and scary to an extent. Why as adolescents are we forced to mature in such a short age? Why are we expected to carry ourselves naturally in a way that is "fitting" of an adult. Doesn't everyone mature at a different rate? Then what about stragglers like me? Here and yet not there. 

I don't know why I cry about the littlest thing, and what more I'm not on my period. Sigh this really breaks the "eloquent" writing I try to pen down in this space. Either way, maybe it's because it matters a lot to me? I really don't know. 

Incoherence. 

The End

So the end is in 2-3 days time. Happy? Yes. At this point of time, the end doesn't really seem like how I wanted it to be. No, I'm not really satisfied with how i did my papers, how I studied etc. Regrets were many. But in the end, i only can rely on God. Lord, you know my wishes to get As for most of my papers, and you know how much I worked and the times when I slacked, but I just lift everything to you and place it in your hands. I've done my best to a certain extent and Lord i pray that you will bless me and give me a miracle.

Do not worry, for if God is for you who can be against you?

Almost there

14 more days till the end. Indifferent? Yes. Day by day, I inch closer to being 18, to being an adult. Part of me dies inside as I think about it. The responsibilities, or should I say the burdens. The need to act okay, the need to be okay. There’s no more of being immature in thinking, nor in actions, as everything now has a consequence. A consequence heavier than an hour of detention, a consequence that will be recorded and not thrown away. Then again, why should we measure our maturity into adulthood solely based on age? Society says so, perhaps.  The fact that I am inadequately (in a sever sense) an adult scares me, to the point that I feel a sense of immense hopelessness at my being after 18 years of earthly living. What am I? I’m not a filial & loving daughter, not a kind & giving sister, not an accomplished student, nor am I the nicest friend to have. What can I proudly say I have achieved or become after these 18 years? Nothing.

Shards against shards, rubbing…cutting.

How

50+ more days. Why can't I give it my all when everyone else is doing the same? I've been through more than 300 days of JC life and here I am at the end wanting to give up? Leave things to fate? Haven't I been there and done that 2 years ago? And what was the result? Mediocrity. I was lucky to even scrape into SA. It is now or never. As much as I hate to say this, to an extent, this is a life changing examination. It determines to a certain degree who you can become and who you will become, who you will meet and the places that you'll go. Doors will be opened and closed depending on your result. Although it definitely is not the be all and end all of things, get your act together. Its just 50 days. These things will pass. At the end, results need to show. If you need to cry, cry. But carry on studying. Come on, get your shit together.

Drowning

Depression seems to hit me ever so often nowadays. Is it normal? Yes? No? Maybe. Have I always been that negative my entire life?

Looking at myself, I can't help but detest whatever I see. Looks, character - imperfections. I don't know what to feel anymore. Never was as eloquent as others, never as talented, never as beautiful. Perhaps the potential was there. But then again, all it was was purely potential. A facade covering the innate lack of substantiation of the claim. It is purely the should haves, and the what ifs, nothing more, nothing less. Potential. And I'd like to think that I did indeed have much potential, although ultimately, it remained as potential, a goal close to, but never met.

There it leaves me, there but not there. And sometimes to think of it, this is the worst position to be in, because potential builds up all your hopes, only for it to come crashing down on you like a torrential rainstorm. Average, or maybe less than average. I just hope that one day things will change for the better, or maybe I'll just come to terms with what I am born with.

The end is near + irrelevant thought no. 189230934

It's close to 2 more months to D-Day. 50+ more days to the start of the month of November, the climax of our education to this date. Pressure cumulates at this peak, but we can't let it bring us down. Right now, I have no idea where I stand on my journey. Am I backsliding? Or am I keeping pace, or perhaps slowing down? Scrolling endless pages of tumblr do not seem to be a good sign. Either way, I can't burn out this time. At the very least, I'm still standing, still going. Breakdowns have been often, and looking back, I see myself as someone I don't really know. Someone who holds a certain raw emotion, lacking control. At the end of the day, I always say I'm fine. I'm fine enough, at the very least. I'm fine, just not happy. And at times, the saddest thing you can hear someone say is that they are used to it. Used to feeling like there is no hope,  no way out. The immense feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness that renders you stripped down to the smallest being, if that even makes sense. After all, comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection. The taste of being at the top of the world the peak above everyone else. But that just only renders you even more vulnerable to the depths of failure. The higher you are, the harder you fall. We are all always afraid of not being enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. Sometimes, I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. The times where I'm supposedly funny, or generous, or happily positive and helpful. Not the times, when I'm angsty and depressed.

But ultimately, you're alive only once, as far as we know, and what could be worse than getting to the end of your life and realising you had not lived it? Life is never perfect for anyone. Face it, that's just how God planned it to be. If you had everything, you would not appreciate it. At the end of the day, nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. Nobody will come bursting into your room and cuddle your worries away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it, most probably by yourself. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. That's the only way out of the darkness created by the very victims of it - ourselves.

Thus, if any of you ever come across someone, never judge. Everyone has their own story behind the facades we build to deceive the world. Let's just admit that, everyone has facades. It's just a matter of how thick or thin one's facade is. No one wants to show the suffering, the demons inside us. And that is why the quiet ones always intrigue me. I am drawn to silence. It is because I know that, like me, there's a world inside their souls. If only someone cared to knock on the door.  

And one more thing to note, when someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.