Updates 5.0

Probation will be over tomorrow, marking three months in my first job. W came to the snack shelf and suddenly said "Let's talk.". "Me?". "Yes, you haha." Almost peed my pants wondering what was up, but aha it was just evaluation.

Nevertheless, it shed light onto my progress thus far. Average, nothing spectacular.
1. Reminder to myself to be more detailed - check, corroborate, check again.
2. Proactiveness and be open to asking and following up with questions. I have this fear of looking stupid, but honestly, the stupid one is the one who doesn't ask questions. Really need to overcome this fear of getting scolded.
3. Taking charge, taking ownership, being more confident. W said its okay to ask or chase senior guys to get their job done. I should also be more sociable, asking for updates on tasks / following up on things such that there are updates!!!

In my spare time, W also said that I should read up on GSF if I really wanna do this long term cos this would set myself apart from others. He also encouraged me to look outside of where I am at front office roles - which I felt was the making of a good boss - i.e. wanting the best growth in employees.

Sad thing is there aren't many GTPs out there, but then again I think know that God has put me with W for a purpose, and it's essential for my growth. So as much as I worry for the future, I know who holds my tomorrow. :)

Updates 4.0

These updates were supposed to be a daily thing, but work gets tiring and this is just not a priority. Either way, ate lunch with Boss X for the first time - alone - today. It was a totally spontaneous decision, when I'd originally decided to save money for the month. Twas a good decision though, the man is knowledgeable. I guess he also knows my predicament of not being a confirmed staff, so he shared lots of exit ops, things I should learn, attitude I should have etc. To be honest, I don't think he's a bad guy, in fact he is really nice and charismatic in way when he jokes around, but when it comes to work, its business. And I kinda like that about him.

Also, every time I talk to Boss X, he just says so much valuable stuff that I can't internalise everything i.e. I forget bits and pieces of information here and there, so I've decided to create a hashtag called 'wise words (from) william' #www.

#www
Availability based PPPs - government gives X year concession such that they will pay the D&C contractor the scheduled eg quarterly payments on condition that the infrastructure is partially available for the public to use eg 3 lanes of the road are open to traffic.

This reduces congestion and traffic risk issues - thus Low traffic risk

Previously PPPs had cases of non-availability basis, such that the D&C contractor for example get payments based on the toll they charge to public based on eg the number of roads they open. But this resulted in huge failures and other issues so now in Australia, all/most PPPs are availability based.

Given that the contractor is the government which is often AAA rated, there is also lower risk involved.

For PPP projects, the government will open the project for bidding by Contractors (in Ozone’s case = the consortium). Doesn’t mean that the highest bidder will win the project, various factors are involved - the sharpest pricing (value for money) will win. Factors are credibility, experience, innovation etc.

Abatement mechanism:
Pre agreed tendered sum minus deductions if under performance ie subpar quality delivery.

Updates 3.0

Day 5,6,7,8: Whirlwind week - ok not that much of a whirlwind, but forgot to blog.

Boss X is back from down under, so I was expecting like 'real work' but turns out I'm just reading credit papers and getting familiarised with reporting procedures on the platform for now. Oh well, is this the nature of the job? Seems chill answering emails - I still don't really get how to identify how to price the syndication and things like that - does it come with experience? Idk.

Boss registered me for some green bond conference this coming Thursday, so I hope it'll be a good learning experience :-) There's networking too, so let's hope I am able to hold conversations and make friends and learn from people! Everyday was rather mundane, but xixi got tickets to the Daniel Kang fanmeeting, wew! Turns out EMK got VIP tickets and is going as well lmao.

Friday was a team lunch treat by Boss X - ate some pork lard fried rice, which was a wrong choice - cos I hate pork lard... but the beer was good :-) Also, my entire team chao-geng-ed for the fire drill - we went to Providore for coffee and chit chat lmao. Turns out mr blondie is sitting behind me, and one evening when Boss X and EMK left, I totally was out of my element and fking burped. FML. So embarrassing.

Lets hope work gets better and I get more sociable about the office :-) lol
Was also contemplating whether I should apply for HS' grad prog next yr - hmm, I guess it doesn't hurt to try? But the only caveat is applying so early when I have only completed 2 weeks of my current job. Decisions. Also gonna give tuition for some extra moolah. Bless me, hope I get a kid that works well with me...

Updates 2.0

Day 3: Much better day - maybe it was my mood, but people seemed friendlier? EMK brought me out for lunch and treated me to chatterbox - my 1st time eating that atas $10 chicken rice. It was alright, although there were still awkward moments of silence in between our meal. Idk maybe she just doesn't put in any effort to talk to me? I feel like a burden to her, sian, when will I earn her recognition? Do I need to? Heard her speaking to clients over the phone and wow her personality was totally different - like laughing and smiling and upbeat all. Oh lol, the facades we all put up at work. Waited for LC and MM to knock off before grabbing to MelvG's house for his bbq. Met my predecessor Grem and other people around the office so good choice to go. Everyone was really friendly, and maybe it was the plentiful amount of booze around, but conversations were easy. LC is really nice and you can see he actually puts in effort to make conversation (a skill, my friend), but MM is just like ugh-i-don't-want-to-hang-out-with-lame-ol-me. LMAO. oh well. Cheers to better days. Met some girlies around the office so yay me.

Day 4: Finally have access to the platform, so read up a bit on the various deals before W comes back from Aus. EMK was super busy taking calls today and I felt like I couldn't help in anything - oh well. Ate lunch alone today (sobs) but didn't feel that hungry anyway - should have asked my 2 kakis - I need to stop being so awkward!!! EMK cleared questions w me at the end of the day, and wow she IS knowledgeable - really want to reach that level quick. Tbh I feel that she is not that cold, she just probably is as awkward as me. Left early, ok not early, but earlier than usual - 6:30 - cause I didn't see a point waiting for EMK to get back from the toilet just to say pleasantries like 'have a nice weekend'. Oh well, looking forward to the 4 day weekend whoots! Work awaits next week and Idk how the power dynamic works when W is back but putting everything in the Lord's hands. Really pray I can pick up things fast and absorb absorb and improve!! Also, probably am signing up again for L2, sighs, I failed quite badly for CF + Ec parts thats why I didn't pass, but ain't stop can't stop till we reach the top. Still heartbreaks for the thousand bucks.

reminder

Updates 1.0

holiday, student life is over...

Day 1: Got a free lunch at Indo by MelvG & Pat and got introduced to the IF team. All guys - felt a little awkward but thankful for Bran and LC who made it slightly better by talking to me. MM feels slightly foreign even though we came in at the same time but we'll see. He just gives me the too cool for you vibes lmao.

Day 2: National day lunch at the pantry and guess who forgot to wear red/white. Food was rather limited, and had to make small talk with EMK. Idk if it's just me but we are soooo awkward. Also I didn't pass cfa - bummer. Need to spend 1k to take it again next year? FML. Feeling really sian today and my introvert self is totally NOT looking forward to MelvG's bbq tmr but oh well, hopefully I get to meet new people and make new friends. I just wish I had more things to talk about and be less awkward/self conscious/more confident. Praying things will get better.

limbo

Spent a whole day watching movies - what good am I becoming? A bum?

What is my 5 year goal? Who do I want to become? Unwilling to admit, but - here I am - I definitely am rather impatient for success. Scared for the future, yes. What am I to be? I can't help to compare myself to my predecessors who've had the easy leg in, who've taken the long route, who've chartered an unchartered path. And I have no idea where I will be in all this to come.

Salary comparison, Companionship comparison, Life comparison. This whole thing isn't about comparison. As we step out into the world, what matters? To be happy? To live a Godly life? Then let that lead you in your choices. Never make choices, just so that someone will think you are better off than them. Because the emptiness will eat you - alive.

Money is money. Money will clothe you and put food on the table. But never chase the money. God will provide. Don't let money cloud your ambition.

a good dilemma

I prayed for a job, and now I've got 2 pending offers and 3 awaiting a response. I wouldn't say they are top choices, but hey - it's better than nothing in my inbox am I right?

Now the issue is which to reject. I find myself at crossroads again, fearing to make a wrong decision. Flashbacks to when I was deciding a course in university and read the quote by Sylvia Plath on fruits on fig trees. Oh well, career progression opportunities, salary, environment, people, etc. So many factors to consider? And which to prioritise? A reminder from my Dad, is that: Ultimately, it's my life. If I want to prioritise money now, then I will get that money down the road. If I want to prioritise people, then I will get to work with good people down the road. But there will always be sacrifices, and it's up to me what I want to sacrifice.

Currently, a draft is sitting in my inbox waiting to be sent. A new situation, it's not me being rejected, but the other way around. Rejection hurts, regardless if I'm on the receiving end, or the being the sender. Obviously the latter has less emotional damage, but nevertheless, it's never a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision - only God knows. But I've prayed about this for countless nights, for God to lead me where I should go.

The thing is, am I deaf? Or is God silent? Why am I still so confused? Sometimes I hope an Angel will appear in my dreams to give me a sign or just tell me directly what to choose, but nah, those were ancient times - things aren't so clear in these times. So that leads me back to square 1.

Option 1: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, ideal job scope, low salary.
Option 2: Ok boss, international environment, possible exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ok salary
Option 3: Ok boss, nice environment, good exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer? 
Option 4: Ok boss, nice environment, possible exit ops, ideal job scope, ?offer?
Option 5: Good boss, nice environment, limited exit ops, not-as-ideal job scope, ?offer?

same ol'

A new year - I find myself thinking about the same things i.e. jobs, relationships, my uncertain future. I guess it is common for a 20+ year-old person to constantly be fixated on what is to be the "prime time" of life. Time and time again, we find ourselves worrying about how our future will pan out; afraid of the 1001 things we are missing out.

Sometimes I wished I matured earlier, not in a responsibility/studying sense, but in a personal sense. Being fixated on solely 1 aspect of life is definitely not healthy, and I guess only in my final year of education did I realise that. Took me quite a while I guess. Then again, when is it ever too late - as the saying goes: If not now, then when? 

At this point, as much as I do not want to admit, I am still nursing my butt-hurt feelings of being passively rejected/ghosted/ignored or whatever you want to label it as. I guess, life isn't perfect. The chances of the person you think you like, liking you back, is infinitesimally small - even though dramas seem to portray otherwise. Then again, there are times in the day where I find myself wondering where there is an inkling of hope, of divine intervention, of anything really; that he would ever like me back. Oh, what a fool I am. As I turn 23 at the end of this year, sometimes I feel like I'm just beginning to experience what I should have experienced at 13.

Currently stuck in this limbo of "I don't know-s" and "Maybe-s" - yes - I do yearn for certainty, for some concrete result or outcome to cement in my life. But nevertheless, perhaps this is a test for me to trust more, have a little more patience, have a little more faith in the One who holds my tomorrow.

Cont'd 05 May 2019
This feeling, it's been a long time coming. Feeling slightly foreign, yet vaguely familiar - in all ways wrong. I still recall the days of listlessness, scrolling through Instagram in hopes that I might find something to block out the nagging emptiness somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Why is this feeling back? Where's the strength, the hope, the confidence I had built from the entire idea of a fresh start? Perhaps this is a test of patience and resilience. These days my prayers revolve around 3 things. 3 general ideas that I ask God almost every day for - that if He would just bless me with them, my life would be so much better. But honestly, would it truly be? Everyday I am plagued with crippling self-doubt - a downside of a perfectionist as I just read on HBR. Mind over matter. Tough times don't last girl. There's more to life than this. You can do it!

I really hope when I read this entry months down the road, everything would have worked out for the better and my current worries at the back of my mind would seem minuscule in comparison...