渴了就喝水 困了就去睡
孤单无聊时 音乐是安慰
快乐就微笑 伤心就流泪
很少的妄想 很少的后悔
真心爱过谁 都需要感谢
真的要告别 不必太纠结
听风听雨声 看海看流星
宽阔的心情 更容易感动
做一个简单的人哪怕太天真
不想对明天总是太多的疑问
一个人看电影慢跑 一个人听着歌睡着
用一个孩子的本能 信你说的任何可能
做一个简单的人不需要天份
不过是自己找到快乐的过程
虽然总是太多烦恼 在睡梦中全部忘掉
清晨的风依然美好 唤醒我最单纯的心跳
清晨的风依然美好
Sunday, 1 November 2015
whirlpools only go down
I just want someone to tell me it's okay. It's okay not to get a 4.5 GPA. It's okay not to have a boyfriend. It's okay to grow old alone. It's okay to just be enough. It's okay to just try each and everyday. It's okay to be mediocre. It's okay to not be who you want me to.
Time and time again, I feel the waves of being not enough. Not smart enough to match up to my peers, not pretty enough to match up to his ideal type, not kind or positive enough to be a good friend.
I feel myself drowning and drowning, but time is not stopping. Time is carrying on, people are trudging on and so should i. But i feel like I sprained my ankle and can't get up. But the thing is that no one knows, or no one believes me because I'm sitting down. And therefore I'm left behind, all alone.
20 more days to finals, and I'm screwed.
I do want it. I do want a scholarship to go to LSE, to get out of here. But will there be a difference? Won't it be the same? study study study. Get a good grade because your parents invested so much in you.
I do want a 1st class honours, to get a good job, a 'good' future.
I do want a boyfriend, to spend time with me, love me and help me out in ways I can't do so myself.
I do want it all.
Time and time again, I feel the waves of being not enough. Not smart enough to match up to my peers, not pretty enough to match up to his ideal type, not kind or positive enough to be a good friend.
I feel myself drowning and drowning, but time is not stopping. Time is carrying on, people are trudging on and so should i. But i feel like I sprained my ankle and can't get up. But the thing is that no one knows, or no one believes me because I'm sitting down. And therefore I'm left behind, all alone.
20 more days to finals, and I'm screwed.
I do want it. I do want a scholarship to go to LSE, to get out of here. But will there be a difference? Won't it be the same? study study study. Get a good grade because your parents invested so much in you.
I do want a 1st class honours, to get a good job, a 'good' future.
I do want a boyfriend, to spend time with me, love me and help me out in ways I can't do so myself.
I do want it all.
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
dreams
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
I need to get my head out of the clouds and onto the ground. You can only do so much after all.
I need to get my head out of the clouds and onto the ground. You can only do so much after all.
Saturday, 24 October 2015
again? - sorry.
There are times when I feel like I will never ever make it. I will never live up to the expectations my parents have of me. Because even if they tell me that it's okay to have done my best, behind my back they truly are disappointed. And that's not okay. Even if they tell me to chase my dreams, behind my back, they actually don't believe I will succeed, they're just afraid of pouring cold water on my seemingly foolish dreams. And that's not okay.
The pace of my three year course isn't like my peers. You can't afford to slacken.
I'm currently at my brim, spilling over in desperation. Yet you want me to go further, work harder. There's no room for failure. I hate it. I hate this pressure. Isn't it okay to just be mediocre? Is life really about that cert? Yes, I am indeed an investment you wouldn't like to see to fail. University fees aren't cheap either. Yes, I'm aware of that. But please stop pushing me. Stop pushing me to go further. The voice inside my head is enough to drive me over the edge.
Maybe it's my inherent inability, or maybe it's the pressure. But please stop. Just let me do my best, and if it's not enough, please be okay with it.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
where do I go from here
At the quarter-life crisis, is it a mark of maturity to carry on - to fulfil and live out the consequences of my decisions? Or is it rational to drop everything and go where my interest lies? The second choice sounds tempting, but the conundrum that lies herein is: What is my interest? Where then do I proceed to?
The problem lies with my lack of direction, my lack of passion towards something so strong that could keep me going. What if I drop everything, only to realise that I don't like the next thing? Do we go about in life, dropping and hopping to the next fling? Aren't we just chasing the wind?
Time and time again, I question my current place in life. In Junior College, all I wanted was to get into Accountancy - studied so hard for it, now I'm here. But is it what I really wanted? Why did I opt for this course? Was it because my parents said it guaranteed a bright future? But now future is bright when the soul is dull. No future is bright, without a good degree. Then comes the question: how do I make it out of here? Everybody is fighting to survive.
Who am I living for? Myself or my parents? Was it my selfish decision to go where my grades led me? Would I be happier somewhere else?
Sometimes I wish I asked myself less questions, pondered less about these useless things that I cannot change. There are many people out there wishing to be in my position, an enviable place in an enviable course in an enviable college. Yet, I do not cherish it.
Think about it. Make the best of things. Sometimes it's wise and a responsible thing to bite the bullet and carry on. Everybody's suffering, not just you. Do you see them complaining? No. Hard work lies behind every smile, every denial of their effort, but its there. Press on, and at the very most, leave it all into the hands of the Lord.
Let Go, Let God.
The problem lies with my lack of direction, my lack of passion towards something so strong that could keep me going. What if I drop everything, only to realise that I don't like the next thing? Do we go about in life, dropping and hopping to the next fling? Aren't we just chasing the wind?
Time and time again, I question my current place in life. In Junior College, all I wanted was to get into Accountancy - studied so hard for it, now I'm here. But is it what I really wanted? Why did I opt for this course? Was it because my parents said it guaranteed a bright future? But now future is bright when the soul is dull. No future is bright, without a good degree. Then comes the question: how do I make it out of here? Everybody is fighting to survive.
Who am I living for? Myself or my parents? Was it my selfish decision to go where my grades led me? Would I be happier somewhere else?
Sometimes I wish I asked myself less questions, pondered less about these useless things that I cannot change. There are many people out there wishing to be in my position, an enviable place in an enviable course in an enviable college. Yet, I do not cherish it.
Think about it. Make the best of things. Sometimes it's wise and a responsible thing to bite the bullet and carry on. Everybody's suffering, not just you. Do you see them complaining? No. Hard work lies behind every smile, every denial of their effort, but its there. Press on, and at the very most, leave it all into the hands of the Lord.
Let Go, Let God.
Sunday, 6 September 2015
Toxic
Thoughtfulness - is it really thoughtful when the intended person does not embrace your thinking of him/her? Is it wrong of me to want to run away? Is it wrong for me to not want to stay, to want to be alone? Am I that oblivious to the things my parents do for me? Am I just a rotten child?
Things haven't been exactly smooth the past month. Yes, university has started and it's somewhat what I expected, and somewhat not. At times I find myself drowning from the toxic currents in my mind. It's all in my mind. In fact, looking at my timetable, university is quite spread out, balanced in a way? But it's just me, worrying, thinking, fussing about. And in the end, getting no where.
Do your best, and let God do the rest.
I need to remember this.
Live with the consequences of your choices.
I need to remember this.
If you really want something, don't stop short when someone says no. Press hard for it.
I need to remember this.
Things haven't been exactly smooth the past month. Yes, university has started and it's somewhat what I expected, and somewhat not. At times I find myself drowning from the toxic currents in my mind. It's all in my mind. In fact, looking at my timetable, university is quite spread out, balanced in a way? But it's just me, worrying, thinking, fussing about. And in the end, getting no where.
Do your best, and let God do the rest.
I need to remember this.
Live with the consequences of your choices.
I need to remember this.
If you really want something, don't stop short when someone says no. Press hard for it.
I need to remember this.
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