Here I am sitting in front of my laptop, sorting out my thoughts. It's a war inside my mind, I'm not joking. My mood has been fluctuating really bad this week, staying on the negative side most of the time. Worst of the worst, it not only affects me, but also people around me like P. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. Half of the time I'm awake I want to be alone. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm sorry, I don't mean it. :( I guess I'm back to this phase again. This time, last year, maybe I felt the same as now, maybe I felt worse. I remember those nights drowning in music, spamming P and cloud just for a companion, but inside I felt really really empty. It was like I was drowning, and I didn't know how to swim.
Right now, it's about a month to Promos. The big exam of J1. Am I prepared? No. I don't even have the mood to study. Seriously, it's been close to 7 months and yet everyday I contemplate whether JC has been the right choice for me. Would I be better off now if I went to poly? Would I regret anything? I don't know. The problem with me is that I don't know anything. Utterly clueless and hopeless. Drifting through life. I know this isn't what God made me to be, but I feel numb and lost at the very moment. I should be studying and yet here I am wasting time on my computer just like the big mistake I made when I was 15. Time can't be turned. If I had retained my top position, where would I be now? RJ, NJ? Dying? It's the same.
Wake up. Please wake up. I'm talking to myself again. It's nothing new anyway. Honestly, I feel like a sad emotional mess every time. I can't tell anyone this, because it happens so often. I'd just be this irritating sad fuck who keeps complaining about life. Also, they have more important things like new friends, chasing love and studies. This is life. I've got to have my own backbone. Independent. I can't always rely on my friends. Only God. Sigh. I've got to stop taking things into my own hands, because honestly, I feel like giving up. I have this strong inclination to retain or to even voluntary retain, because I don't feel like I'm ready, not ready to fight through J2. But yet again who wants to spend 3 years in that pressure cooker and moreover when I'm this socially awkward kid.
After writing all this, honestly I just want to say that secondary school days were one of the best moments of my life. I miss kpop alot. Not just because of the memories, but the experiences. I still remember singing Boys over Flowers sountracks with cabbage in sec1, with evan telling me stories during science lessons. Jacy writing fanfics and drawing manga for me. Fangirling in comics connections and wasting my money buying magazines just to collect posters. Downloading music every week, and just enjoying every moment even though I've never seen Jae in real life. Honestly, It's just all these feelings, emotional attachment. I mean I grew up with them, they'll always be a part of my life. They cry, I cry. It's hard to explain, but when you're in it, you'll feel it.
Maybe it's the delusional world we've all created for ourselves.
Anyway, now I've got no time to dwell upon celebrities. Wake up. Please E, wake up. Everyone's running. The race will end one day. Up and On. Even how much you don't want to.
I will soar on wings like eagles, I will walk and not be faint. I will run and not be weary. Thank you Lord. For everything.
Also, I'm sorry for everything.
