The grass is greener on the other side

Some people say that a photograph can speak a thousand words. I believe it's a powerful memento that allows each person to relive cherished moments, never to be willingly forgotten. But what if there existed no photograph to document one particular point in time, a memory that in turn becomes more of a speculation than a reality? Forgetting is a natural occurrence as the clock continues to tick, but some memories - no matter how faded - can never truly disappear.

Dilemma

Results have been posted, and I've still yet to reach a mental agreement whether I'm in a state of flurry and distress, or on the other hand, in a state of stalemate. Is that even the right way to use 'stalemate' in a sentence? Then again, my GP grade was quite the disappointment.

I see people, applying here and there; getting accepted here and there. And then there's me - how do I even apply? What if I get rejected? What if i have to wait another year? Everything seems to require such pro-activeness that I'm kind of lost. It's not the straightforward portal anymore. And to make things worse, I have rarely a clue as to the direction I am heading in.

Accounting? Definite path; happy parents; good paycheck. But then again, boring; no work-life balance; can I even get in with my lack of that A?

Teaching? Secure job scope; good paycheck. But then again, boring life and what's there to look forward to? Becoming principal?

I really don't know anymore. Is this a good thing? Why do I have to decide? Why can't I live a simple life? Busking life?

Think again.

If only we met earlier in our lives

It’s heartwarming to hear someone, even if it’s just one person, who cherished our friendship to the point that she wished for a bigger infinity than what’s to come; an infinity that has yet to reach a deadline but yet she wishes for a few extra years.Thank you for being my first friend in that foreign place. Thank you for being that rare person whom I can talk to freely, whom I can laugh my head off, whom I sense that we stand on the same levelled ground - no higher, no lower. Most importantly, thank you for being that friend which I can sit with in absolute silence, with a lack of conversation, and yet still feel comfortable enough with the absence of an awkward atmosphere. These kind of people are hard to come by given my reclusive nature and absolute poor conversational abilities. So far having just one or two in my life, thank you for being the one more. This phrase got me thinking if I had any existing friend at this point in time which I wished I had met at an earlier point in my life. But then again I’m met with this conundrum - would the supposed person even like my 10 year old or 15 year old self? The persona where I was somewhat nerdy, somewhat dirty, somewhat uncaring and nasty in a sense? Someone you wouldn’t wanna commit a friendship to. Either way, while I was thinking, a few names came into my mind but I couldn’t really pen any of their names down in my thoughts. They were an option but not the answer. Can the answer be blank? Perhaps so, given the stretch of life ahead of us where we will meet a melange of varying people and personalities. But as you crop your friendship circle at this age, I’m starting to wonder how many ‘close friends’ am I really close to? What am I to them? Why do I seem so easily replaced? You might be thinking that I am overthinking this whole fiasco, which is 70% true even in my opinion, but this has been a recurring theme in my life. Why do I feel like I’m drifting? That everyone is distancing themselves away from me. Everyone is giving me superficial smiles and lies when in actuality they dislike my personality or in a lighter tone, they’re afraid? Am I domineering? Am i of a different class? A different level? Have I ever looked down on them? What they see is just a facade built to save my own heart from cracking. A facade to save my pride and my butt hurt ass from feeling at a state of deprivation and loss because I’m being excluded. A facade that perhaps triggered stronger feelings amongst them to distance themselves from me. Was it my fault or hers? Why didn’t she ask me? Why didn’t she discuss with me? Why didn’t she make time for me? Why? Did we only have what we had because of circumstance? Was I her crutch just as she was mine? If you’re not trying, I’m tired of trying too.

Overthinking, overthinking.