Again

"People are weak when they are alone." -Haruki Murakami

November has been the month which has the most entries so far. And by most entries, it means the most problematic month to a certain extent. I've been going out alot lately these days, with Alayne back, holidays overseas, catching up on social life etc, and most importantly, neglecting my studying schedule. Not that I myself haven't noticed, but even my parents are nagging about it these few days. So here I ask myself; what have i become?

Next year is the Big As, and honestly I'm ultra-super-duperly unprepared. Never is, never will be, in fact. I just can't get myself back to study mode. Honestly, how did I even promote? How did I even get onto that honour roll? I remember when I first entered JC, and how I was extremely uptight about the challenges I was going to face in my subjects. But now, here I am sitting about doing nothing.

Kpop is nothing but a distraction. I survived a year without it. I can do it again. Honestly, I don't mean anything in their lives no matter how much I want myself to. Our paths will never cross, never entangle.   Even if it does, it'll just be a loose knot that quickly unravels. So why do thousands of girls spend hours of their time on people who will never reciprocate their deepest feelings? Now, maybe just now, to me, Kris is just an infatuation, a passing emotion, just like how Jaejoong was to my 13-year old self. How much do I know him? Yeah he's handsome, raps well, sings mediocrely, has a cold image, and that's about it. And the fact that he looks like Jaejoong at some angles makes me doubt my true feelings even more. And now I question myself; why am I even questioning myself about this right now? I'm quite a delusional mess as you can see. But today, I'm letting go. No more fanfics, fangirling, picture stalking etc. No, just no more of this.

I've built a wall around my thoughts. A very obvious wall that I bet all my friends can see. At times, when I let loose, I joke around and stuff. But when I'm out of it, I just get really quiet and angsty. Thinking back, the burning out fiasco during Os was quite embarrassing. To think I told Pang about it. But back then, I honestly had no one to turn to. I really hope next year won't be like that. And then there's the part where Bo always asks Geraldine and Pang out, but not openly. I mean like hey, it's not like I'll get hurt or anything right. Must you guys be so low key about it? Honesty, that makes it even worse. I know I'm not the best at handling relationships, and honestly, I prefer being alone (most of time to a certain extent). I'm an awkward fcuk ok? Ugh. When I go out with one other friend, no matter how close, I'm awkward. Like I don't know what to say, how to start a conversation etc etc etc. It sucks.

My life seems kinda bleak right now. 16 years of floating about and here I am having to make a life-defining decision next year. Which course in university? I don't know. Deep down, I would like to enter LSE, perhaps take law or accounting, or economics, or maybe political science, although I don't know what I'll do with that degree. But yet, I feel like I'm not smart enough. And... why am I even choosing these courses? What's my talent? What's my dream? What's my inclination? I don't even know what I like!!!

Lastly, I'm sorry Lord. Sorry for being such a bad Christian. Sorry for being a sinner. Forgive me, for everything, please. I'm sorry. Ignite a spark Lord. I need it, I need it very much. Will tomorrow be a better day? Hopefully. I need to get back on track with God, with my studies and with myself.

Goodnight,
Mess

Empty streets : Busy thoughts

Yesterday was my first ever time spending the night out of home - alone. I was feeling out of it (again) and decided to wander the streets.

To whom or what do we owe our privilege to roam the streets at unearthly hours, alone, unharmed? Especially as a girl, in other countries, namely third world countries like India , I'm prolly sure I'd been raped at that point in the night. Honestly speaking, which girl in the right mind would walk alone at those hours of the night? Am I asking for it? But no, I've decided that Singapore is indeed a safe country.

Relatable words

“Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy but at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either, there isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what’s wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take “I don’t know” for an answer. you feel the way you do just because. you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.”


"From 18 to 22, we meet a lot of temporary people. Is that true?"

“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.