简单不是更好吗

渴了就喝水 困了就去睡
孤单无聊时 音乐是安慰
快乐就微笑 伤心就流泪
很少的妄想 很少的后悔

真心爱过谁 都需要感谢 
真的要告别 不必太纠结
听风听雨声 看海看流星
宽阔的心情 更容易感动

做一个简单的人哪怕太天真
不想对明天总是太多的疑问
一个人看电影慢跑 一个人听着歌睡着 
用一个孩子的本能 信你说的任何可能 
做一个简单的人不需要天份 
不过是自己找到快乐的过程 
虽然总是太多烦恼 在睡梦中全部忘掉 
清晨的风依然美好 唤醒我最单纯的心跳 
清晨的风依然美好

whirlpools only go down

I just want someone to tell me it's okay.  It's okay not to get a 4.5 GPA. It's okay not to have a boyfriend. It's okay to grow old alone. It's okay to just be enough. It's okay to just try each and everyday. It's okay to be mediocre. It's okay to not be who you want me to.


Time and time again, I feel the waves of being not enough. Not smart enough to match up to my peers, not pretty enough to match up to his ideal type, not kind or positive enough to be a good friend.

I feel myself drowning and drowning, but time is not stopping. Time is carrying on, people are trudging on and so should i. But i feel like I sprained my ankle and can't get up. But the thing is that no one knows, or no one believes me because I'm sitting down. And therefore I'm left behind, all alone.

20 more days to finals, and I'm screwed.

I do want it. I do want a scholarship to go to LSE, to get out of here. But will there be a difference? Won't it be the same? study study study. Get a good grade because your parents invested so much in you.

I do want a 1st class honours, to get a good job, a 'good' future.

I do want a boyfriend, to spend time with me, love me and help me out in ways I can't do so myself.

I do want it all.

you never understand

dreams

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
I need to get my head out of the clouds and onto the ground. You can only do so much after all.

again? - sorry.

There are times when I feel like I will never ever make it. I will never live up to the expectations my parents have of me. Because even if they tell me that it's okay to have done my best, behind my back they truly are disappointed. And that's not okay. Even if they tell me to chase my dreams, behind my back, they actually don't believe I will succeed, they're just afraid of pouring cold water on my seemingly foolish dreams. And that's not okay. 

The pace of my three year course isn't like my peers. You can't afford to slacken. 

I'm currently at my brim, spilling over in desperation. Yet you want me to go further, work harder. There's no room for failure. I hate it. I hate this pressure. Isn't it okay to just be mediocre? Is life really about that cert? Yes, I am indeed an investment you wouldn't like to see to fail. University fees aren't cheap either. Yes, I'm aware of that. But please stop pushing me. Stop pushing me to go further. The voice inside my head is enough to drive me over the edge. 

Maybe it's my inherent inability, or maybe it's the pressure. But please stop. Just let me do my best, and if it's not enough, please be okay with it.

where do I go from here

At the quarter-life crisis, is it a mark of maturity to carry on - to fulfil and live out the consequences of my decisions? Or is it rational to drop everything and go where my interest lies? The second choice sounds tempting, but the conundrum that lies herein is: What is my interest? Where then do I proceed to?

The problem lies with my lack of direction, my lack of passion towards something so strong that could keep me going. What if I drop everything, only to realise that I don't like the next thing? Do we go about in life, dropping and hopping to the next fling? Aren't we just chasing the wind?

Time and time again, I question my current place in life. In Junior College, all I wanted was to get into Accountancy - studied so hard for it, now I'm here. But is it what I really wanted? Why did I opt for this course? Was it because my parents said it guaranteed a bright future? But now future is bright when the soul is dull. No future is bright, without a good degree. Then comes the question: how do I make it out of here? Everybody is fighting to survive.

Who am I living for? Myself or my parents? Was it my selfish decision to go where my grades led me? Would I be happier somewhere else?

Sometimes I wish I asked myself less questions, pondered less about these useless things that I cannot change. There are many people out there wishing to be in my position, an enviable place in an enviable course in an enviable college. Yet, I do not cherish it.

Think about it. Make the best of things. Sometimes it's wise and a responsible thing to bite the bullet and carry on. Everybody's suffering, not just you. Do you see them complaining? No. Hard work lies behind every smile, every denial of their effort, but its there. Press on, and at the very most, leave it all into the hands of the Lord.

Let Go, Let God.

Toxic

Thoughtfulness - is it really thoughtful when the intended person does not embrace your thinking of him/her? Is it wrong of me to want to run away? Is it wrong for me to not want to stay, to want to be alone? Am I that oblivious to the things my parents do for me? Am I just a rotten child?

Things haven't been exactly smooth the past month. Yes, university has started and it's somewhat what I expected, and somewhat not. At times I find myself drowning from the toxic currents in my mind. It's all in my mind.  In fact, looking at my timetable, university is quite spread out, balanced in a way? But it's just me, worrying, thinking, fussing about. And in the end, getting no where.

Do your best, and let God do the rest.
I need to remember this.

Live with the consequences of your choices.
I need to remember this.

If you really want something, don't stop short when someone says no. Press hard for it.
I need to remember this.

Drowning

Never use others as a barometer for your success. Comparing will get you nowhere. We are born with inherent deficiencies, a gap in our abilities. But the thing is what am I good at?

What if I'm not good enough?

This questions plagues me everyday, in every aspect be it appearance, studies, character etc. Is it my mind plaguing my heart?

This needs to stop.

Freefall

Lost. Honestly, that's the main word to describe the first 2 weeks of uni life. It's like being thrown into the deep end of the ocean, and there I am thrashing around in the water, hoping to survive, but only to continue being slapped by the choppy waves, and perhaps sinking deeper. Some call it the honeymoon period, but to me, it's not. Am i inflicting self-imposed stress upon myself?

Why am I so insecure? Why do I over-think? Why am I so emotionally unstable? Why am I lacking in so many ways? Is that why I turned you away? Is my real self that much of a turn-off? Push and pull. I thought you were a greenhorn, yet you seem to know how to play this game. Or maybe its just my imagination running wild. Don't pull if you're not willing to catch. Don't lead me on. Why stare previously, when now you don't even acknowledge my presence? It's like I don't even exist. Perhaps it was hopefulness on my part, given it was quite obvious. The lack of texts and the dry, short answers that showed no effort to keep the conversation going on your part. Am I the problem? What's wrong with me?


Why does my heart run away to other keepers so fast? Only to be left cold, alone and empty after.

Desperation to indifference

Feelings of friendliness turned into something closer to dependence. That was where things started going awry, when I closed out my heart exclusively even though I swore not to. Never liked to put a label onto things especially relationships, but eventually I still did. Desperation lurked internally, one always putting on a standoff-ish stance when it came to the topic, acting like I didn't care but rather I cared just a little too much. They say time heals, or maybe wounds are just forgotten, becoming scars that fade but not really, and thus indifference settled in. Should I be thankful for this indifference? I personally was the only one who saw it going down in flames. Did we even have anything special in the first place? Did the problem lie solely with me? I don't really know. But at least this indifference doesn't reopen wounds, nor does it rub salt into it anymore. It just looks on with a neutral expression - being used to it, being resigned to it. Well, at the very least, there are some memories to look back to. Can't expect anything more real than that.

Is this the story of every relationship gone awry? 

Decisions

The thing is, everyday we have many decisions to make. The apprehension within me to make a decision stems from the fear of the impending reality or regret that I might possess when making a wrong move. But the thing is, there is never a clear black and white answer as to whether the decision is the best one or the correct one. There is always a grey area; and as long as we are prepared to bear the consequence - whether good or bad - we should not regret that decision made.

Life is full of good and bad decisions, and these shape our experiences. In a way life is temporary, so of course we should plan ahead to make better decisions, but never let a decision prevent you from advancing ahead. Just carry on, it'll be okay in the end. God will lead the way

Ennui?

"Contentment is a funny thing."

"It lies, I think, less in possessing than in the feeling of enoughness. Contentment comes when it pleases; without warning or fanfare. It simply happens. It catches you sequestered in the upper deck of an open-air bus, munching on an apple with all the crispness of a new spring morning and skin streaked through with the colours of fall. It arrives amidst midday sunlight filtering through window panes; in watching dust particles dance their lazy waltz in the spotlight of warm sunbeams on skin. Or it might descend slowly – in the minutes and hours that sprawl lazily across an afternoon spent tracing the paths of raindrops with your eyes.

It’s the stillness of wonder captivated by the richness of the present moment.

It’s the 2a.m. street wanderings in a new city; in the wild moment you look up from maps and street signs and gloved hands clutching hot coffee to the splendor of the winter night sky and realize that this is the same sky under which you have always lived; when home grows a little wider and grander and you are still lost, but lost at home. It’s in the moments when I am inexplicably gripped by fascination at the shape of a tablecloth stain – that it is this precise shape; that it is where it is and not a centimeter lower or higher; that there are years upon years of stories of people and creatures and things that have led to it being what it is.

Contentment comes with the realization that I am not so different – that I am, for reasons unknown, me and not someone else; here at this moment and not another (amidst vast oceans of time and space); that I will never be able to comprehend fully even the story of a stain. Perhaps it is part of the wonder in seeing more clearly one’s place in the universe: I did not have to be, but I am. It’s when I surrender to the moment and am taken out of myself to see something greater – when I’m free of the temptation to have a name and a history; when I may simply exist. It is only then that I may marvel at a tree, a cloud, or a person, and “not ask what they are but simply be glad that they are”. (After all, we may be made of star-stuff, but so is mouldy bread.) 

Contentment is the same, whether in wandering the streets of a new city; wondering at the existence of a thing or person; or seeing anew some great truth between the pages of a book. It reminds me of how life is to be lived: that it is better to see the world than to own it; that seeing and hearing and tasting and smelling come before telling. It matters, because it reminds me that there is nothing in the whole of time and space that we can truly and completely possess: no creature or thing, no ephemeral moment in time – yet we are granted the privilege of apprehending reality, and that is enough."

- A lovely excerpt written by an old friend Z

Travel Vlog #2

Our life here was just a momentary illusion, and someday reality would yank us back to the world we came from. 

- Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami

New York

Everywhere you travel to, it's true that you leave a piece of yourself in that city/country. A part of you lingers there -- maybe it's your soul, or maybe it's just a memory -- but it's still there, living, breathing, existing there as part of you.

The most memorable city for me was New York City. Staying in Manhattan for a week opened my eyes to the world out there. The bright city lights that sparkled throughout the night, but also the dark and dirty society that coexisted within the city. To say that New York is the city of dreams may be an overstatement, a utopia created for the naive and the hopeful. Walking through the streets of Fifth Avenue or Lafayette or Broadway you seen skyscrapers that tower above you, with stores like Barney's or Bergdorf Goodmans screaming "money! money!" left and right of your peripheral vision. People of every age, every nationality, strutting down these cobbled pavements hawking their branded wares, but then when you look down you see the homeless clothed in their winter wear on a hot summer day, dirty and without a care. Inequality reeks heavily in the streets, yet nothing can be done for it is too far entrenched to be salvaged. The underground is horribly unreliable and sewage is bad, yet for those that have never been there, all is amazing and sparkly.

People always shoot the beautiful parts of the city -- the juxtaposition of new and old in the muted palette of old fire escapes in Soho; but if you turn to the opposing street, it's the dirty and drab Chinatown where perhaps I don't wish that my apartment even had a fire escape.

Everything here is glamourised; the coffee, the food, the buildings, the people. Superficial happiness should I say. Things are over priced, people give you fake smiles, I don't really know anymore.

However to qualify, New York sure does have a certain charm of independence. It's not a city to start a family in, but it's a city where you find yourself or should I say lose yourself in. Imagine a day where you wake up and grab a coffee at the cafe down the street before heading to work. Perhaps having lunch in the park before heading home to go for a run along Brooklyn Bridge with the sun setting at late hours. There after enjoying a cozy night with friends at the nearby bar, or the uptown sushi restaurant, or crying over the new episode of your serial with a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Eating salad is the norm and you do lots of walking. When it's time to visit home you can spend hours in the car on your phone just because you're stuck in a jam on the way to JFK airport. On days off you can shop your woes away or you could lose yourself in one of the biggest museums in the world. Everyday, you can do whatever you want however you want, because it's an open society, it's New York, it's America. There are tons of people so nobody knows you, or the chance is low, but you can start anew.

Leaving off with a positive thought about New York, which is how I'd like to remember my stay as doing all those things as said above. It was truly an experience.

Procrastination of the mind.

'It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you've made, and there's this panic because you don't know yet the scale of disaster you've left yourself open up to.'

- Kazuo Ishiguro; Never Let Me Go

Am I an ostrich burying my head in the sand? Basically, I just don't have the courage to face up to the decisions I have to make. I've always hated making decisions. But this time, I'm scared to make the wrong move - a move in which I'll have to bear the consequences later on in life. Thus, the pushing pushing pushing of thoughts out of my head; doing everything but the very thinking, or should I say pondering of my future. At the tender age of 19, I can't say I'm still young and unaware, because this age calls for maturity, reason and understanding - things I'm still not really sure I actually possess to a sufficient degree.

'I wish I was a kid again, when I had all the answers.' 

-  S.E. Hinton; That Was Then, This Is Now

Maybe this quote has a certain flaw - maybe when we're kids, we didn't need the answer, we just needed an answer that led us to the next step. Today pastor talked about faith in action,  a faith so strong that we just needed to trust God to take us each step at a time, a faith that didn't need to bring us so far into the future, but just the next step. And I think this was what we were bestowed with as kids, but yet lost as we grew up with the world.

Rational mind, mature reasoning. Ending this with a thousand sighs, like always.

1 am woes

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel uncomfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “Hey babe! I like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

-Thought Catalog

Working blues

Work has started and its worser than banking days. The hours, the lack of friends... It just cumulates to an unhappy atmosphere that I can't wait to get out of. Now I know the feeling of being bounded by contracts. The feeling of obligation to comply to a task that you barely want to adhere to.

However, this job is indeed an eye opener. An eye opener to the life of immigrants - people who have come from far - just to work for a basic wage, a wage we singaporeans deem as low, but to them its a catch that will never be offered back home.

It's hard to do what you really want to do; it's either you do it for less, or you forgo it totally.

mundane life

Ever since I've ended my hectic junior college life, I've become a bed-potato/movie junkie/person-wallowing-in-a-mellowed-nature-of-existence.

1. Silver Linings Playbook
2. The Great Gatsby
3. The Hunger Games - Catching Fire
4. The Notebook
5. Pitch Perfect
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
9. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
10. The Perks of being a Wallflower
11. Crazy Stupid Love
12. Love Actually
13. Ted
14. Easy A
15. Les Miserables
16. The Proposal
17. Inception
18. Killers
19. The Wolf of Wall Street
20. One Day
21. The Vow
22. When in Rome
23. The Theory of Everything
24. Lost in Translation
25. Kingsmen: The Secret Service
26. Somewhere only we know
27. Back to 20
28. Ode to my Father
29. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
30. She's the Man
31. Avengers
32. Fashion King
33. The Con Artists
34. Dragon Blade

The grass is greener on the other side

Some people say that a photograph can speak a thousand words. I believe it's a powerful memento that allows each person to relive cherished moments, never to be willingly forgotten. But what if there existed no photograph to document one particular point in time, a memory that in turn becomes more of a speculation than a reality? Forgetting is a natural occurrence as the clock continues to tick, but some memories - no matter how faded - can never truly disappear.

Dilemma

Results have been posted, and I've still yet to reach a mental agreement whether I'm in a state of flurry and distress, or on the other hand, in a state of stalemate. Is that even the right way to use 'stalemate' in a sentence? Then again, my GP grade was quite the disappointment.

I see people, applying here and there; getting accepted here and there. And then there's me - how do I even apply? What if I get rejected? What if i have to wait another year? Everything seems to require such pro-activeness that I'm kind of lost. It's not the straightforward portal anymore. And to make things worse, I have rarely a clue as to the direction I am heading in.

Accounting? Definite path; happy parents; good paycheck. But then again, boring; no work-life balance; can I even get in with my lack of that A?

Teaching? Secure job scope; good paycheck. But then again, boring life and what's there to look forward to? Becoming principal?

I really don't know anymore. Is this a good thing? Why do I have to decide? Why can't I live a simple life? Busking life?

Think again.

If only we met earlier in our lives

It’s heartwarming to hear someone, even if it’s just one person, who cherished our friendship to the point that she wished for a bigger infinity than what’s to come; an infinity that has yet to reach a deadline but yet she wishes for a few extra years.Thank you for being my first friend in that foreign place. Thank you for being that rare person whom I can talk to freely, whom I can laugh my head off, whom I sense that we stand on the same levelled ground - no higher, no lower. Most importantly, thank you for being that friend which I can sit with in absolute silence, with a lack of conversation, and yet still feel comfortable enough with the absence of an awkward atmosphere. These kind of people are hard to come by given my reclusive nature and absolute poor conversational abilities. So far having just one or two in my life, thank you for being the one more. This phrase got me thinking if I had any existing friend at this point in time which I wished I had met at an earlier point in my life. But then again I’m met with this conundrum - would the supposed person even like my 10 year old or 15 year old self? The persona where I was somewhat nerdy, somewhat dirty, somewhat uncaring and nasty in a sense? Someone you wouldn’t wanna commit a friendship to. Either way, while I was thinking, a few names came into my mind but I couldn’t really pen any of their names down in my thoughts. They were an option but not the answer. Can the answer be blank? Perhaps so, given the stretch of life ahead of us where we will meet a melange of varying people and personalities. But as you crop your friendship circle at this age, I’m starting to wonder how many ‘close friends’ am I really close to? What am I to them? Why do I seem so easily replaced? You might be thinking that I am overthinking this whole fiasco, which is 70% true even in my opinion, but this has been a recurring theme in my life. Why do I feel like I’m drifting? That everyone is distancing themselves away from me. Everyone is giving me superficial smiles and lies when in actuality they dislike my personality or in a lighter tone, they’re afraid? Am I domineering? Am i of a different class? A different level? Have I ever looked down on them? What they see is just a facade built to save my own heart from cracking. A facade to save my pride and my butt hurt ass from feeling at a state of deprivation and loss because I’m being excluded. A facade that perhaps triggered stronger feelings amongst them to distance themselves from me. Was it my fault or hers? Why didn’t she ask me? Why didn’t she discuss with me? Why didn’t she make time for me? Why? Did we only have what we had because of circumstance? Was I her crutch just as she was mine? If you’re not trying, I’m tired of trying too.

Overthinking, overthinking.

Familiar faces

Two nights ago, traveling on the bus with Erina and Eugene, I saw this elderly man that reminded me of Yeh Yeh. The tanned brown skin that was slightly dry and dotted with age spots, the beige patterned shirt that hid a slightly smaller belly than how i remembered, the "old-man" sandals that Yeh Yeh was fond of buying during our road trips to Malaysia together. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the fatigue, or the menstrual melancholiness, but he really did look like a skinnier, and younger version of my grandfather. Honestly, I do miss him. After he left, the family has not really been a family anymore. Yes, the good thing is that Ma Ma goes to church now, but there are rarely anymore sunday gatherings, no more road trips, no more durians, no more homecooked food, no more playing soccer with cousins at the driveway, no more familial activities.

To say a person to be the pillar of the household, I once thought was an overstatement. But perhaps, it seems evident to me that maybe, just maybe Yeh Yeh was the pillar, but now there's no more him. Why am I even saying all this. I hope you're doing well in heaven. Actually, I know you are.

Love,
E

18

"Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road." - Jack 

Kerouac

Today's the big day of a supposed transition into adulthood, but somehow indifference plagues me like a tidal wave. The notion of having a wholly new level of maturity as this "special" day calls for is quite disheartening for me an adolescent. Maybe it's just me, but being legal is not exactly a thing that should be celebrated in my opinion. Being legal only calls for greater responsibilities and harsher consequences. It means more choices but also more decisions to be made.

It's like as soon as you hit the big 18, people no longer say you're growing up, because after all you're legal, you're an adult. They make it out as if as soon as you're done with college and university a couple of years later there's no more growing up to do, you're sort of at maximum capacity. In other words, you're forced to grow up. Forced to act mature, even if you're not. You're forced to act your age in a sense.

I don't know why society, and even I at times, have this notion in our minds that as soon as you get out of college, you need to get you serious shit together. As if this magical fairy is going to pop out and give us adulthood. I mean come on, I don't even look the part! And when we don't get the whole adulthood thing we stay stuck in our parents house and work part-time jobs that aren't related to our degrees and half the time feel like utter failures. Not only that, nobody is there to encourage you, because they're speeding on their own highways to success, or maybe just a slightly brighter future than yours. You're looked at like this giant lame ass who is wafting around life, when every single day you're trying to make ends meet and still try to maintain being happy with your shortcomings. Your parents, friends, the world look at you with encouraging smiles that hide wry feelings of disappointment, pity and distaste; acting like there's nothing more you can do. After all isn't this a rigid society we live in?

But then again this is a timely reminder to myself that it's okay to not know. It's okay to keep on growing up and keep on figuring out things. Most people are just fucking up and growing alongside you and me. I'm sure there are tons of people clueless about their life's direction, and we're sort of in this together. Well we can always change our minds. There's no cut off age to growing up. People just keep trying to scare us into adulthood an it gets stressful when you fell like you're the only person not doing it right. But believe me, you're not the only one and i haven't figured a single shit out either. But we're okay, I'm okay, and I hope you're okay.