Is it normal to cry like once every week? I ask myself this time and time again. Incoherent thoughts flow at the strangest hour. I think perhaps I suffer from some psychological illness? And yet maybe it's just me.
Inadequacy kills. The feelings of being a failure in this world just - sucks the life out of you. Countless times, and recently ever more frequently, I feel this sense of inadequacy, lacking the looks, the brains, the character to be someone liked by others in society. Inferiority complex maybe? But every time I look around, my inadequacies seems to stand out starkly among the sea of people around me who just seem to have so much more. Is this a lack of gratefulness to God? I don't know, and I honestly hope not.
Looking back at my childhood photos, I see my flaw-less face: clean, fair, unblemished skin. A stark contrast of myself today. Dimples and a cute shy smile, and a size that is petite. All the opposites from what I am now. In my current state, I hate to look into mirrors for I see a reflection of myself that I do not want to see. Blemished face, sunken eyes, crooked teeth, awkward size. Why couldn't things change for the better? Am i still in puberty? Doubt so. Then why aren't things looking up for me?
At a time like this, I'd like to ask: what is life for me? The person who studies so hard, and yet doesn't score. The person who had the potential to look decent, but became what ought not to be mentioned. The person who was rooted in Christ, to become this floater among the vestiges of life and trials.
What has happened for me?
