Mentor? sister?

Shopping with phui yin today made me feel a strange yearning for an older sister. Someone to guide me, someone to tell me where not to fall, mistakes not to make, and yet also have a mutual understanding of the things going on at the specific points in my life so as to give a leeway of some sort unlike parents born of the previous generation.

Then again, I've always wanted a mentor, like someone to tell me exactly, straight down to the details what to do, how to act, in studies, in life. But I don't have that.  A mentor is someone who takes on a heavy burden of directing a person's life - who would want to do it? A mentor also has to be of age and possess a decent amount of wisdom and experience to guide someone down to the t - where to find such rare species? Again, just some thoughts.

You are not the reflection of those who can't love you

When they don’t love you the way you want to, you mourn that for however long you need to. But then you get back up and you remind yourself. You are not a reflection of the people who can’t love you. You will love again. You will be loved again.

-Caitlyn Siehl

No, I did not break up with anyone; no, I did not have a fight with any of my friends. Just felt kinda lonely these days with everyone working, schooling, and busy being an adult. On the contrary, I'm just whiling my life away, jetting off or maybe just lazing around in general - no contributions, no output; useless in a sense. Ignore me. 

Was it always there?

It's been 2 weeks since As has ended and yet i still feel this sense of existential emptiness within me that is incurable and apparently made worse by the fact that my introverted nature compels me to withdraw from others.

Now, I don't really know how to help myself. I feel myself turning into an entirely new being, perhaps a new facade that my friends do not really like, and that I myself also find it at times difficult to tolerate. I have all the time to read, to write, to draw, to get lost in fictional screenplays and yet these do not fill the hole inside me that yearns to be filled.

What I once shunned to become, I am now gradually transforming into. One of them. Narcissistic creatures that take too much of a care upon their appearance, irregardless of the circumstance of their families, be it in a wealth/monetary sense. Then again, as I reach towards the age of 18, I feel the burdens of an adult slowly settling upon my shoulders. Its there, but not there. College applications, scholarship essays, getting the better job, comparing salaries, comparing wealth, comparing lives. Comparison is what is settling in so starkly into my life, now taking a heavier weight in the evaluation of my life. What was once a comparison between who had the nicer pencil case or who had a nicer backpack, has now become who has a nicer bank account figure, and who has a nicer life.

Friends get jealous and retaliate, and in self defense we retaliate too. Pushing each other further from the point where we once settled comfortably. School life is no more. No more hand holding, no more uniforms, no more explicitly stated rules. Everything is now based on intuition and that determines your grade of evaluation. Do you have enough common sense to do this, or to not do this?

Everyone is assessing your every move, your record now reflects your future. Isn't that enough to be stressed about. No more letting your guard down. Can't time slow down?

Endings are always the beginning of something else

Days like these are finally here. Going to coffee shops and sitting by the bar with the glass windows and looking out. Not studying, but looking out. Looking at all the people running to catch a bus. All the girls with one too many shopping bags. All the couples too in love to care. I see it - a bit of myself in everyone. Don't you see it too? Maybe its just me, but somehow sitting alone in a coffee shop had never felt so good. 

All we need isn't love, but God.

“In that Giant Gap between who you want to be and who you really are, every other religion, including the evangelical church, tells you to “close the gap.” That’s religion.

Jesus is the only who said, “I will meet you where you are. I am running backwards through the gap to you. And we will walk this walk together, one step at a time, me in the lead, and I will be with you whether you feel me or not, always." 

Faith is being more and more sure of this reality, and it’s not being more sure that you’re sinning less. It’s never just running from sin, but running to Him.”

Worries of an introvert

Perhaps today was supposed to be a happy day, but sitting here at 12am I feel this sense of loneliness and melancholiness plaguing me. Hanging with the usual 3 is not always the best combination, given that somehow I always feel left out at some point. Am I being over sensitive?

"After high school, you realise you were only friends with some people because you saw them five times a week." 

Sometimes I wonder how true this is. After graduating from SA, reluctantly, how many friends, real ones, can I say I've actually made? The fact that SA was a christian school was one of the better things, but then again I didn't really cherish my time in SA. I mean there's no point crying over spilt milk. Time can't be rewinded to make better friends, study harder or anything, and at this point its all about moving on. Everyone's growing up, shaving off their circle friends to what was and what is going to be. We're turning 18 soon. Well most of my friends have already turned. Just me left. Am I an adult yet? Kidult maybe. Everybody around me is "forcing" me to grow up. And as I test the waters of adulthood, oh does it seems deep, choppy and scary to an extent. Why as adolescents are we forced to mature in such a short age? Why are we expected to carry ourselves naturally in a way that is "fitting" of an adult. Doesn't everyone mature at a different rate? Then what about stragglers like me? Here and yet not there. 

I don't know why I cry about the littlest thing, and what more I'm not on my period. Sigh this really breaks the "eloquent" writing I try to pen down in this space. Either way, maybe it's because it matters a lot to me? I really don't know. 

Incoherence. 

The End

So the end is in 2-3 days time. Happy? Yes. At this point of time, the end doesn't really seem like how I wanted it to be. No, I'm not really satisfied with how i did my papers, how I studied etc. Regrets were many. But in the end, i only can rely on God. Lord, you know my wishes to get As for most of my papers, and you know how much I worked and the times when I slacked, but I just lift everything to you and place it in your hands. I've done my best to a certain extent and Lord i pray that you will bless me and give me a miracle.

Do not worry, for if God is for you who can be against you?

Almost there

14 more days till the end. Indifferent? Yes. Day by day, I inch closer to being 18, to being an adult. Part of me dies inside as I think about it. The responsibilities, or should I say the burdens. The need to act okay, the need to be okay. There’s no more of being immature in thinking, nor in actions, as everything now has a consequence. A consequence heavier than an hour of detention, a consequence that will be recorded and not thrown away. Then again, why should we measure our maturity into adulthood solely based on age? Society says so, perhaps.  The fact that I am inadequately (in a sever sense) an adult scares me, to the point that I feel a sense of immense hopelessness at my being after 18 years of earthly living. What am I? I’m not a filial & loving daughter, not a kind & giving sister, not an accomplished student, nor am I the nicest friend to have. What can I proudly say I have achieved or become after these 18 years? Nothing.

Shards against shards, rubbing…cutting.

How

50+ more days. Why can't I give it my all when everyone else is doing the same? I've been through more than 300 days of JC life and here I am at the end wanting to give up? Leave things to fate? Haven't I been there and done that 2 years ago? And what was the result? Mediocrity. I was lucky to even scrape into SA. It is now or never. As much as I hate to say this, to an extent, this is a life changing examination. It determines to a certain degree who you can become and who you will become, who you will meet and the places that you'll go. Doors will be opened and closed depending on your result. Although it definitely is not the be all and end all of things, get your act together. Its just 50 days. These things will pass. At the end, results need to show. If you need to cry, cry. But carry on studying. Come on, get your shit together.

Drowning

Depression seems to hit me ever so often nowadays. Is it normal? Yes? No? Maybe. Have I always been that negative my entire life?

Looking at myself, I can't help but detest whatever I see. Looks, character - imperfections. I don't know what to feel anymore. Never was as eloquent as others, never as talented, never as beautiful. Perhaps the potential was there. But then again, all it was was purely potential. A facade covering the innate lack of substantiation of the claim. It is purely the should haves, and the what ifs, nothing more, nothing less. Potential. And I'd like to think that I did indeed have much potential, although ultimately, it remained as potential, a goal close to, but never met.

There it leaves me, there but not there. And sometimes to think of it, this is the worst position to be in, because potential builds up all your hopes, only for it to come crashing down on you like a torrential rainstorm. Average, or maybe less than average. I just hope that one day things will change for the better, or maybe I'll just come to terms with what I am born with.

The end is near + irrelevant thought no. 189230934

It's close to 2 more months to D-Day. 50+ more days to the start of the month of November, the climax of our education to this date. Pressure cumulates at this peak, but we can't let it bring us down. Right now, I have no idea where I stand on my journey. Am I backsliding? Or am I keeping pace, or perhaps slowing down? Scrolling endless pages of tumblr do not seem to be a good sign. Either way, I can't burn out this time. At the very least, I'm still standing, still going. Breakdowns have been often, and looking back, I see myself as someone I don't really know. Someone who holds a certain raw emotion, lacking control. At the end of the day, I always say I'm fine. I'm fine enough, at the very least. I'm fine, just not happy. And at times, the saddest thing you can hear someone say is that they are used to it. Used to feeling like there is no hope,  no way out. The immense feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness that renders you stripped down to the smallest being, if that even makes sense. After all, comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection. The taste of being at the top of the world the peak above everyone else. But that just only renders you even more vulnerable to the depths of failure. The higher you are, the harder you fall. We are all always afraid of not being enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. Sometimes, I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. The times where I'm supposedly funny, or generous, or happily positive and helpful. Not the times, when I'm angsty and depressed.

But ultimately, you're alive only once, as far as we know, and what could be worse than getting to the end of your life and realising you had not lived it? Life is never perfect for anyone. Face it, that's just how God planned it to be. If you had everything, you would not appreciate it. At the end of the day, nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. Nobody will come bursting into your room and cuddle your worries away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it, most probably by yourself. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. That's the only way out of the darkness created by the very victims of it - ourselves.

Thus, if any of you ever come across someone, never judge. Everyone has their own story behind the facades we build to deceive the world. Let's just admit that, everyone has facades. It's just a matter of how thick or thin one's facade is. No one wants to show the suffering, the demons inside us. And that is why the quiet ones always intrigue me. I am drawn to silence. It is because I know that, like me, there's a world inside their souls. If only someone cared to knock on the door.  

And one more thing to note, when someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.

Everything will be okay

Do your best and let God do the rest.

Anything is possible if God is for you. You will make it. Focus on yourself. Not on the progress others are making. Never use others as a barometer for success. Do what you need to do, and if that is not enough, so be it. Cause life is more than an exam, no matter how high the stakes are.

Some days are just a little more sad than the others.

Inadequacy kills. I don't know how many times have I cried over thinking of the many stark flaws evident physically, emotionally, and spiritually within me. Many people would say, "oh everyone has flaws." Yes, that I agree. But do you have flaws so obvious on your outer-being?

Inequality kills. The thought of being worse-off than the other brews a sense of dis-belonging and perhaps jealousy(?) when looking at others enjoy better circumstances than you do.  What's so different between you and I? Comparison is the thief of joy. Think about it.

One year from now, you'll wish you started today. Yes. Just do it.

One can have a life without others knowing.

After wasting countless of precious hours on social media or should I say mainly instagram, I've arrived at somewhat of an epiphany, that I need not flaunt my life i.e. what I do, what I eat, what I have; in order to let others know of my oh-so-up-to-date social lifestyle. I mean like, I'd rather just enjoy the moments shared between the people at the event/date/outing, you know keep it in the circle? No one should judge peoples' lives based on their instagram accounts, even though I'm guilty as charged too. Instagram only reveals things people want us to see. It hides the ugliness of our lives behind filters and carefully-edited photos in square grids. No one wants to see you in your specs and sweats, with that ugly messy bun (that is not at all tumblr-ish) and perhaps breaking out in pimples over stress. It's all a facade, that I as an Alevel student should not be wasting my time on.

6 weeks or maybe less than that to Prelims. So, I screwed my BT2s. Keep up, Buck up. Get back on your feet. That's life. There's a time and a season for everything. Drop the taoris attachment, accept that their friendship is over. Don't keep dwelling on the 'had beens' and the 'what ifs'. It's over. They've been what they've had to be. It's between them. Haven't you been told three's a crowd? Grow up. I'm no longer a youth but a young adult, as Moses said. A professional knows the line between work and feelings. It's time I put that into practise.

Bucketlist

1. guitar
2. korean
3. digital dj-ing
4. web designing
5. photography
6. intellectual literary discovery a.k.a. reading
7. travelling
8. interning in accounting
9. exercising

"青春是一场大雨，即使感冒了，也盼望回头再淋它一次."

Adolescence is like heavy rain; even if you catch a cold from it, you’d still look forward to experiencing it once again.

Don't let your emotions rule your mind. Rationality. Rationality. 

(too) broken

The thought of being broken beyond repair. I think everyone is a little fucked up in their lives. Imagine us all being glass shards with rough edges that will never be smoothened out. Such that when we re together, we only hurt the other. Some may find the piece that fits, but others, will just keep on getting cut and keep on hurting and keep on bleeding till you're dry. It's quite a dark thought eh. Life is fleeting. Time is too. And here I am baking, reading up on DJing, when economics should be the focus of the day. I'm not even done with math yet. Fuck my life. I'm off the honour rolls in my head. Falling. Deep. And nobody will go down with me. Because, all in life, I've been taught that I'm all alone, and the only person who'll stick it out with you, is God. And now, I'm distant from God, so who's there, no one. Lord, I'm sorry. Sorry for falling into temptation, sorry for not being a christian made after your own image. Sorry for cursing every second, and every hour. Sorry for not being how you made me to be. The wayward child. I never thought that I'd ever fit into that category. But maybe now I see an inkling of how I actually do. This rash is a bitch, and my mood is as sucky i ever. But hey, we can't keep playing the blaming game am I right? Get on with life E. Throw your burdens and trudge on. There's no more time to waste.

The prodigal son

Stuck here while the brother is out at Disneyland having the time of his life. Ayyy, where's the fairness in all this. And Bam! Out came the thought (or rather guilt) of me feeling like the brother in the story of the Prodigal Son. And to think of it, it kinda fits. I mean like, hey all Daniel does is eat, sleep, skype, dota, and maybe study like 20% of his life? And here I am being a slave to my books. So where's the equality in all this where he gets to enjoy ?huhuhuuhhh

The Jack of All Trades, Master of None.

So here I am listening to Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie, while the whole world must be mugging their hearts out.  Even XY is studying. And I'm wasting away. Last night at 2am, there I was lying awake for the first time, contemplating upon my complexities and incapabilities. Dark thoughts, for a dark night. Apparently my 15 hour sleep fest from the day before led to this temporial insomnia. So taking a quick perusal over the close to 18 years of my insignificant(?) life, what significant achievement have I done? What am I good at? What will I be good at? What achievement will I come to attain? And I came up with close to nothing as an answer. "If life were a card game, the jack of all trades is one of the worst cards to be in life." Heard this somewhere, from someone, and if I faintly recall it might be my mom. "You're good at everything, but good at nothing." What a paradox. Ha. That's it, my existence is a paradox. I still remember Alayne lamenting about not being good at anything while I'm multi-talented - able to play the piano, able to do draw well, excelling in academics. But yet again, nothing lasts forever. As we all grow older, our talents and abilities get shaped defined and moulded from the raw stones we once were. However, with stark talent showing, my talent has been reduced to something subtly mediocre or worse than that. My music abilities seem limited to that few songs I can string on the piano, my drawing is an utter farce compared to people out there who have honed their skills through time, and my academics seem like a road leading to oblivion. At times, I'm thankful for not having such starkly definite polarisation of skills, yet, sometimes I wish I had just one exceptional talent that supercedes those of others. Do I dare complain of being mediocre. Not really, but sometimes I still do. Limitless wants of a human. Imperfections nigh infinite. What's new.

Somedays or everyday

Melancholiness hits at the finest hour. Not so fine in my opinion. My thoughts are in such a unfathomable mess. Everyone is at their peak, and here I am at a stage of stagnation, or perhaps utter decline. Helplessness perhaps, is what I feel. But then again, I know what it is I must do, yet I do not have the will to carry them out. Useless, hopeless. Time and time again. Failure after failure. Yet, I still do not seem to learn. What is life all about, I ask myself. Then again, I question myself of the reason for me asking this question. Hasn't that been ingrained into me - life on Earth is a preparation for eternity in Heaven. A life with God. But the thing is, I'm on a slippery slope. Backsliding away from my sole purpose. And i'm not doing anything, absolutely nothing. Overly emotional, immature, and undefined, is what I might call myself. Unable to separate the tasks I have to do, and my personal emotions. "Block them out", my conscience tells me. Yet I fall back time and time again. I need to do this, before its too late. Timo says "just be baller and kill it", and push on. I can do this right?

On a separate note, the feeling of inequality looming in this world. The evident flaunting of wealth, and perhaps a better life. And then on the other hand, you see widespread suffering in other places. Why, why do some people have such a perfect, or perhaps close to perfect life? This is highly superficial, but isn't that what we all are chasing after? Good grades, social life, nice houses, cars, exotic locations, or even the standard globetrotter.

"Store up treasures that can be stored up in heaven." Always remember that.

Will tomorrow be better?

吴亦凡

I don't really know how to begin this post, but I really need to get this off my head. Yifan where are you now? Are you fine? Are you doing the right thing? Have you thought about this? What's going on?    Honestly, going through the whole fiasco again after DBSK, it just... sucks. I shouldn't get so affected by this, and should continue studying but hey here's to getting moody and sad. Yifan, I have no idea what's going on in your life right now. Is your heart/health okay? Why didn't the other chinese members leave with you since you guys get the same treatment? Is Tao alright? Leaving like that throws everyone off course. Not only the management with the rescheduling of activities and cancellations, EXO with the change in choreography and a lack of a leader, bandmate and friend, and also the fans, who cannot continue everyday life because there is no update on the latest chaebol fashion, their favourite taoris fanfic, or just the thought of hearing your voice on a television broadcast. But then again, Yifan, you were the reason I liked EXO. Thought I was out of kpop for good, but then I chanced upon your face, and damn, I got sucked back in. Now that you're choosing to leave, is it time for me to leave with you? Sorry to the rest, but to Yifan, whatever you do, 我永远在你背后.

Guilt?

So, while my instagram feed was flooded with pictures of my friends with their moms, the breakfast they made, the flowers they bought, the words of appreciation and stuff like that, I didn't do anything. Yes, I suck, I know. I don't know if it's just out of my character, but yes mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for only knowing how to study, or sometimes not even knowing how to prioritise, basically being a bum in the house that you earnestly hope will stop being awkward and perhaps be as pretty as how I was when I was younger so that I need not cling on to you guys when you're old. Don't worry, that won't happen. I'll buy my own apartment. Honestly, I'm not the most affectionate person around. I don't say 'I love you's, I don't hug my parents, heck, I hardly even say thank you. Even to my friends; I don't like to label my relationships. I don't exactly declare Pang as my best friend, even though I sure treat her exclusively. How do I put it, it's just not me.  Looking at it now, I'm quite a failure. You've invested quite a lot into me, and I can't exactly say that you've neglected me, so thank you, thank you for everything, even though you put me down from time to time. I can't say it to your face at this point in time, but someday, hopefully not too late, I will. So i guess, Happy belated mother's day.

当连自己都不知道自己想说什么

人生中曾有一些瞬间我感到真实的快乐，那时身边有好友和心爱的人，工作辛苦无忧愁，不念过去不望将来，有探索遥远世界的梦想和一颗完整而真诚的心。

Emptiness

It strikes again. meow. Indifference sets in. This has happened too many times. I don't even know what to do about it anymore.

Life con

So today I went for life con for the first time. I guess it was good? Generally it was just a more upbeat and empowering chapel service, but still it was an experience. One takeaway from tonight is "God's peace surpasses all understanding.". I think that is the essential thing for me to understand right at this point in time. Currently, I'm going through the "dark days" for my JC life. Not that it was all a bed of roses in the past, but yeah, things have been bad and my emotions have been on the loose. Honestly, my emotional maturity is extremely low, and time and time again I find myself stuck in this rut of -what do I call it- failure? Perhaps, failing NAPFA countless of times is part of God's plan? Or then again, maybe not. I've been 2 weeks off my revision schedule and here I am thinking, or should I say overthinking,  that I'm weak minded because I just can't get my legs to run, or get myself to study. But here God says that we are all imperfect, and through our imperfections, only can we see the power of God in us. And one more thing to take away from life con: No matter how much of a failure you are to yourself or to anybody for that matter, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how many disappointments you commit to others, God knows, and God is there to carry the burden for you. Nothing is impossible with the Father.

I will give you all my praise. Hallelujah. Save me oh Lord. Bring me back to where I am close to you.

感谢

Today was the release of PW results and most of the papers for BT1 and boy am I glad things turned out fine. :-) Thank you Lord, Thank you so much. It was like time and time again I find myself falling short of an A every time I collect back a single subject result slip - Chinese, O Levels, Chinese As. And disappointment just engulfs me because I missed it by just that much. But this time, I got an A. To think those nights or trauma and dry eyes didn't go to waste. Thank you Lord. I really have no greater person to thank other God, because without his favour, I would have never gotten this result.

On a side note, I did not pass NAPFA. But I'll just have to keep trying for that.

BT1s are over and everyone is gearing up for BT2s. Trolling on the net has led me to find out that hey, even people like kblm are doing fine, what about me? I really need to buck up. PW is just 10/90 points. Never be complacent. Sometimes I just feel so lazy, but I've got to kick that habit before it becomes permanent. Keep up the positivity, don't let failures get you down. Because if experience hasn't shown you, as long you keep trying and putting your best effort, God will never let you down. And you know what they say? God can make miracles :-) Always keep the faith and just keep pushing on!

If you don't work for what you want,
Don't cry for what you lost.

先苦后甜

Daily incoherent thoughts

Is it normal to cry like once every week? I ask myself this time and time again. Incoherent thoughts flow at the strangest hour. I think perhaps I suffer from some psychological illness? And yet maybe it's just me.

Inadequacy kills. The feelings of being a failure in this world just - sucks the life out of you. Countless times, and recently ever more frequently, I feel this sense of inadequacy, lacking the looks, the brains, the character to be someone liked by others in society. Inferiority complex maybe? But every time I look around, my inadequacies seems to stand out starkly among the sea of people around me who just seem to have so much more. Is this a lack of gratefulness to God? I don't know, and I honestly hope not.

Looking back at my childhood photos, I see my flaw-less face: clean, fair, unblemished skin. A stark contrast of myself today. Dimples and a cute shy smile, and a size that is petite. All the opposites from what I am now. In my current state, I hate to look into mirrors for I see a reflection of myself that I do not want to see. Blemished face, sunken eyes, crooked teeth, awkward size. Why couldn't things change for the better? Am i still in puberty? Doubt so. Then why aren't things looking up for me?

At a time like this, I'd like to ask: what is life for me? The person who studies so hard, and yet doesn't score. The person who had the potential to look decent, but became what ought not to be mentioned. The person who was rooted in Christ, to become this floater among the vestiges of life and trials.

What has happened for me?

Prelude?

The greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward. 

Countless of times have I been drumming this phrase into my head. Yet countless of times, I falter and lose sight of the goal ahead of me. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." This is an exact explanation for this popular phrase.

It's Cny, and I've practically lost track of my studying schedule and "took a self-declared break" for the entire week. Sometimes, I feel guilty about it. Today's calendar snipplet of the day is: When you feel as if you can't do it, you still can. You may not be able to do it alone, but you can do it with God. Draw strength from the Lord and get back up on your feet E!

Self-worth

"…But if a mirror ever makes

you sad

you should know
that it does
not know
you."

-unknown

Seems like an unusually relaxing/ homework-free/ nothing to do kinda day today, and it kinda makes me feel weird. Hmm. Quite a sharp contrast from the usual hectic back-to-back plans + stress loaded day. Was just thinking about my future while searching up information about universities on the net. Can't imagine that I've actually reached this point of life where I'm venturing into adulthood. Concurrently, I've actually been thinking about the boys part of my life. Considering that I ain't pretty with my scarred face/ crooked teeth/ fat body (I sound real degrading of myself here but there is an ounce of truth in all these I'm saying), I don't actually think I'll ever get married. It's my first time saying this out loud, and I hope no one actually reads this. The pains of having a virtual diary. Since it's the Internet,  I'm sure somebody will eventually get to it. Crap. But what needs to be said, will be said. I've actually had some inkling of what my ideal guy is like; not a definitive version; but yeah. I'm far from a sophisticated girl as ts described to be: smart, independent, has her own sense of style, confident in herself. I'm far from that. Far far from that. 

Anyway, there are more important things to think about like acing BT1s. I can't mutli-task like others. It's either one thing or the other, never both. Studies or social life or personal development/indulgence. Grow up E, it's about time. 

Melancholiness hitting at the earliest hour

"You're not a kid anymore. You have the right to choose your own life. You can start again. If you want a cat all you have to do is choose a life in which you can have a cat. It's simple. It's your right."

-Haruki Murakami 

Basically, life is all about choices. You can have everything you are willing to struggle for. It has just been 3 weeks since the new year. Press on.