Look at you, look at me. Are we the same person, or just a figment of my imagination?
Every time someone crosses a boundary beyond my personal space, white lies, are my escape. A version of me in my head that seems cooler, smarter, more put together, more normal than what I truly am. Honesty, can't I have that, even with myself? Why do I have such low self esteem that I discount every thing that makes me me?
As we grow older, we no longer see things in black and white, but rather, and amalgamation of the two i.e. in grey.
They say your 20s are the most selfish - and I kinda feel that’s true. Day in day out, I’m working on myself, for myself. Am I leading too fast paced of a life where I don’t even get a minute to slow down and have a chat with my family? Share a joke? Ask about their day?
A big part of the day is spent at work, where I appreciate minimum distractions. And when I finally log off, I am drained mentally with no energy to socialise. Only as I turn off the lights and stare at the ceiling in the dark do I think about things. Things, like -
Is my dad ok? He looked sad today. My grandmother was finally allocated a spot in the nursing home. Not the best one, but an okay one. I know he’s been grumbling about her antics here and there - only when you ask - but day in day out he still religiously visits her to tend to her needs, spend some time with her, and give her some semblance of a normal life. I always speak about it very objectively; that he should put his own mental health before the needs of someone else given that her brain has degenerated and my grandmother isn’t who she is anymore. But now that I think about it, when you look at her, isn’t it even more heartbreaking to see your very own mother, the woman who used to fuss over the curls of her hair or the type of skincare product to tap onto her face, be reduced to someone who defecates on the bed and crawls around the house?
He never talks to me about it. And I never ask. I only hear stories passed on from my mom. But I see it in him, his tiredness, his frustration, his sadness, yet his love for his own mother that gets him up at 2am in the morning to check on her rain or shine. Who can deal with such a brutal routine? I honestly salute my dad, for I don’t even know if I myself can do it.
I don’t know how to speak to him or comfort him on this. Any approach would seem fake or false or unnatural to begin with - but is this better than turning a blind eye to it all. To acting nonchalant till life throws you this problem in the face next time? I feel like I know the answer, and yet am beating about the bush by masking it with an I-don’t-know.
Life is fleeting, and we’re all getting older. Realistically, soon, people will leave. And leave forever. The thought about it is morbid and sad but true. Perhaps it’s my period, but thinking about it makes me sad. Really sad.
My dad jokes about being able to go on holidays when he finally doesn’t need to care for my grandmother 24/7. Oh to better days ahead! But I know deep down, there’ll always be that separation anxiety. That sorrow when you see someone dear to you spiral towards death’s end. I really pray for healing emotionally, physically and spiritually for my Dad - to keep him stronger than he already is.
One day, I hope to bring him on a big trip. Somewhere he likes, with great food, joy and laughter. Or many trips for that matter. Dedicating a good 10 years of your life to care for someone - can I do that? To be honest, my flat out answer is probably no. But who knows what life brings.
Lord, I put my life into your hands. I trust that my dad is already in your hands. Grant him strength and wisdom as he enters his golden years. I do not know what else to pray about, but Lord I trust that you know the answers to the worries of my heart. The worries that I myself am not able to put into words. In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.
God, thank you for being someone I can always trust. Even when i don't understand all the details, I can still rely on You. You can take any situation and use it for my good and Your glory. Please remind me that there is a purpose for my waiting, and show me how You are at work in this moment of my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.
It's coming to the end of March. A new year. Same problems - exams, job, self, love. Has all the time been spent in my head, yet not making any effort to improve?
I really wish for some change this year. Breakthroughs, success. I pray, I ask Lord, for You to pour out your blessings.
As serendipitous as it seems, sometimes very specific strangers just fall into my mind, and my imagination runs wild - with all the things we could be. But things don't follow up thereafter, could they, please?
Or maybe I just need to get out of my head.
The possibility of your crush liking you back, is like 0.01% or less... I guess that's supposed to comfort me in some way i.e. that I'm not alone in this. But the truth is, I'm having trouble coming to terms as to why - what does he not like about me? Is it my face? Is it my personality?
But after reading this article (which isn't as trashy as I thought it'd be) https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/common-reasons-doesnt-like-back-handle , I think maybe - I kind of get it...
Why should I change, just so some stranger can like me back? Why can't they like me for who I am? And in fact, there is a possibility that someone out there, could like me - for me... Well, I believe this is a good way to start, but a gentle reminder to myself to not put my lame, trashy self out there too quickly as well.
