dreams

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
I need to get my head out of the clouds and onto the ground. You can only do so much after all.

again? - sorry.

There are times when I feel like I will never ever make it. I will never live up to the expectations my parents have of me. Because even if they tell me that it's okay to have done my best, behind my back they truly are disappointed. And that's not okay. Even if they tell me to chase my dreams, behind my back, they actually don't believe I will succeed, they're just afraid of pouring cold water on my seemingly foolish dreams. And that's not okay. 

The pace of my three year course isn't like my peers. You can't afford to slacken. 

I'm currently at my brim, spilling over in desperation. Yet you want me to go further, work harder. There's no room for failure. I hate it. I hate this pressure. Isn't it okay to just be mediocre? Is life really about that cert? Yes, I am indeed an investment you wouldn't like to see to fail. University fees aren't cheap either. Yes, I'm aware of that. But please stop pushing me. Stop pushing me to go further. The voice inside my head is enough to drive me over the edge. 

Maybe it's my inherent inability, or maybe it's the pressure. But please stop. Just let me do my best, and if it's not enough, please be okay with it.