Shopping with phui yin today made me feel a strange yearning for an older sister. Someone to guide me, someone to tell me where not to fall, mistakes not to make, and yet also have a mutual understanding of the things going on at the specific points in my life so as to give a leeway of some sort unlike parents born of the previous generation.
Then again, I've always wanted a mentor, like someone to tell me exactly, straight down to the details what to do, how to act, in studies, in life. But I don't have that. A mentor is someone who takes on a heavy burden of directing a person's life - who would want to do it? A mentor also has to be of age and possess a decent amount of wisdom and experience to guide someone down to the t - where to find such rare species? Again, just some thoughts.
Tuesday 23 December 2014
Monday 22 December 2014
You are not the reflection of those who can't love you
When they don’t love you the way you want to, you mourn that for however long you need to. But then you get back up and you remind yourself. You are not a reflection of the people who can’t love you. You will love again. You will be loved again.
-Caitlyn Siehl
No, I did not break up with anyone; no, I did not have a fight with any of my friends. Just felt kinda lonely these days with everyone working, schooling, and busy being an adult. On the contrary, I'm just whiling my life away, jetting off or maybe just lazing around in general - no contributions, no output; useless in a sense. Ignore me.
Thursday 18 December 2014
Was it always there?
It's been 2 weeks since As has ended and yet i still feel this sense of existential emptiness within me that is incurable and apparently made worse by the fact that my introverted nature compels me to withdraw from others.
Now, I don't really know how to help myself. I feel myself turning into an entirely new being, perhaps a new facade that my friends do not really like, and that I myself also find it at times difficult to tolerate. I have all the time to read, to write, to draw, to get lost in fictional screenplays and yet these do not fill the hole inside me that yearns to be filled.
What I once shunned to become, I am now gradually transforming into. One of them. Narcissistic creatures that take too much of a care upon their appearance, irregardless of the circumstance of their families, be it in a wealth/monetary sense. Then again, as I reach towards the age of 18, I feel the burdens of an adult slowly settling upon my shoulders. Its there, but not there. College applications, scholarship essays, getting the better job, comparing salaries, comparing wealth, comparing lives. Comparison is what is settling in so starkly into my life, now taking a heavier weight in the evaluation of my life. What was once a comparison between who had the nicer pencil case or who had a nicer backpack, has now become who has a nicer bank account figure, and who has a nicer life.
Friends get jealous and retaliate, and in self defense we retaliate too. Pushing each other further from the point where we once settled comfortably. School life is no more. No more hand holding, no more uniforms, no more explicitly stated rules. Everything is now based on intuition and that determines your grade of evaluation. Do you have enough common sense to do this, or to not do this?
Everyone is assessing your every move, your record now reflects your future. Isn't that enough to be stressed about. No more letting your guard down. Can't time slow down?
Now, I don't really know how to help myself. I feel myself turning into an entirely new being, perhaps a new facade that my friends do not really like, and that I myself also find it at times difficult to tolerate. I have all the time to read, to write, to draw, to get lost in fictional screenplays and yet these do not fill the hole inside me that yearns to be filled.
What I once shunned to become, I am now gradually transforming into. One of them. Narcissistic creatures that take too much of a care upon their appearance, irregardless of the circumstance of their families, be it in a wealth/monetary sense. Then again, as I reach towards the age of 18, I feel the burdens of an adult slowly settling upon my shoulders. Its there, but not there. College applications, scholarship essays, getting the better job, comparing salaries, comparing wealth, comparing lives. Comparison is what is settling in so starkly into my life, now taking a heavier weight in the evaluation of my life. What was once a comparison between who had the nicer pencil case or who had a nicer backpack, has now become who has a nicer bank account figure, and who has a nicer life.
Friends get jealous and retaliate, and in self defense we retaliate too. Pushing each other further from the point where we once settled comfortably. School life is no more. No more hand holding, no more uniforms, no more explicitly stated rules. Everything is now based on intuition and that determines your grade of evaluation. Do you have enough common sense to do this, or to not do this?
Everyone is assessing your every move, your record now reflects your future. Isn't that enough to be stressed about. No more letting your guard down. Can't time slow down?
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