grey areas

 As we grow older, we no longer see things in black and white, but rather, and amalgamation of the two i.e. in grey. 

They say your 20s are the most selfish - and I kinda feel that’s true. Day in day out, I’m working on myself, for myself. Am I leading too fast paced of a life where I don’t even get a minute to slow down and have a chat with my family? Share a joke? Ask about their day? 

A big part of the day is spent at work, where I appreciate minimum distractions. And when I finally log off, I am drained mentally with no energy to socialise. Only as I turn off the lights and stare at the ceiling in the dark do I think about things. Things, like - 

Is my dad ok? He looked sad today. My grandmother was finally allocated a spot in the nursing home. Not the best one, but an okay one. I know he’s been grumbling about her antics here and there - only when you ask - but day in day out he still religiously visits her to tend to her needs, spend some time with her, and give her some semblance of a normal life. I always speak about it very objectively; that he should put his own mental health before the needs of someone else given that her brain has degenerated and my grandmother isn’t who she is anymore. But now that I think about it, when you look at her, isn’t it even more heartbreaking to see your very own mother, the woman who used to fuss over the curls of her hair or the type of skincare product to tap onto her face, be reduced to someone who defecates on the bed and crawls around the house? 

He never talks to me about it. And I never ask. I only hear stories passed on from my mom. But I see it in him, his tiredness, his frustration, his sadness, yet his love for his own mother that gets him up at 2am in the morning to check on her rain or shine. Who can deal with such a brutal routine? I honestly salute my dad, for I don’t even know if I myself can do it. 

I don’t know how to speak to him or comfort him on this. Any approach would seem fake or false or unnatural to begin with - but is this better than turning a blind eye to it all. To acting nonchalant till life throws you this problem in the face next time? I feel like I know the answer, and yet am beating about the bush by masking it with an I-don’t-know. 

Life is fleeting, and we’re all getting older. Realistically, soon, people will leave. And leave forever. The thought about it is morbid and sad but true. Perhaps it’s my period, but thinking about it makes me sad. Really sad. 

My dad jokes about being able to go on holidays when he finally doesn’t need to care for my grandmother 24/7. Oh to better days ahead! But I know deep down, there’ll always be that separation anxiety. That sorrow when you see someone dear to you spiral towards death’s end. I really pray for healing emotionally, physically and spiritually for my Dad - to keep him stronger than he already is. 

One day, I hope to bring him on a big trip. Somewhere he likes, with great food, joy and laughter. Or many trips for that matter. Dedicating a good 10 years of your life to care for someone - can I do that? To be honest, my flat out answer is probably no. But who knows what life brings. 

Lord, I put my life into your hands. I trust that my dad is already in your hands. Grant him strength and wisdom as he enters his golden years. I do not know what else to pray about, but Lord I trust that you know the answers to the worries of my heart. The worries that I myself am not able to put into words. In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.